The sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead
by FragileYetEerie
Summary: It was like living in a dead world. Or was it the opposite? Because it rather felt like dying. Who knows. Oh-so ordinary worlds can be rocked quite easily when suddenly it's not only about friendship, but also about love,hatred and betrayal; things you can't figure out with percentages and intelligence. Mello x Near.
1. Numb

**Hey guys. Okay,this is my first fanfic ever, thanks a lot for clicking on it and reading this. **

**Okay,this is about one of my favorite pairings,namely Mello x Near, since I think they're pretty cute together and fun to write about.  
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**There will be depression,self harm, drug usage, cursing and also smut in here (If I'm capable of writing that,I certainly hope so.)  
All the good things in life.  
If you are not okay with anything of that,better don't read. If you want to do though,you have to do this at your own risk. :3  
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**Anyway,the beginning might seem a little uneventful, but I deliberately did this to emphasize Near's daily life and his attitude. But don't worry,there are more interesting chapters to come,if you wish for them to do.  
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**I'd be really really pleased if you decided to review. You can criticize me,whether it's about my writing style,my English,my ideas,or my story in general,but please don't be too mean,this would destroy the sad thing called my life. Just a joke,oh I'm so melodramatic sometimes,I know. But yeah,just tell me what you think,also if there are things that don't make sense or questions,just tell me about it.  
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**Okay,I'll switch from Near's to Mello's point of view when it makes sense,or when I hope I does. But since it's me we're talking about here,that doesn't mean it'll actually make sense.  
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**Fine, so I think that's all. Of course thanks a lot for even reading this and I hope you'll enjoy.  
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Disclaimer: Death Note is not mine,that would be amazing,but sadly I do not own it or any of the characters. Thanks for reminding me of my worthless life. ^^

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_**Chapter 1 : Numb.**_

Life was monotone,life was boring. So was I.

And this was what had caused me so many problems,what made me so different. I had been like this ever since I could remember. I would be standing in the corner of the room all alone twirling a lock of my hair, while the others spend time together,laughing,playing games. Was it strange that I didn't have a problem with that? Maybe I was just weird,but if that was the case,there would be nothing to do about it anyway, I decided.

I sat quietly in my room,playing with my little metallic robot,the one I had gotten the day I had arrived here,the day when everything was supposed to change,yet, the location might had changed,but basically life was the same. Of course,before I came here, I was younger than now,so I couldn't make out everything about the time anymore,but from what I still remembered,it was similar. And I hadn't changed a lot either,given I was still in the same situation as always.

The bell that signaled it was time for lunch then rung, causing me to look up from my little robot living in it's small world of peace,the one I had created for it by building a little town with dices. I had been busy playing with it for as I now figured five hours,not only playing, I would rather describe it as keeping my body busy while letting my mind work. But now I had to go to the dining room as it appeared, I didn't want to get told about not skipping lunch again. I didn't like trouble. This was both,the reason why I wanted to stay in here,safe, alone, not wanting to get bullied by the older kids, but also the reason why I couldn't do so. Then I would have to argue with Roger. And such a fight was hard to win.

I then lazily stood up,letting my toys lay on the floor and exited my room,making my way trough the big crowded hallways of Wammy's. Yet, they felt empty,seeing that nobody was reacting to my presence at all. I was okay with that. Relationships didn't matter,what mattered were the exercises I got in order to become L's successor. This was the goal everyone here had,but I was closer than all of them to achieving my goal,I was the best in class. This was another reason why many of the kids couldn't stand being around me. The majority of them simply ignored me,but there were also those who regularly beat me up to show me what I actually was; nothing special at all. I knew that,there was no need of them showing me, but I wouldn't dare tell them what I thought,I wouldn't talk at all. They would not want me to,I annoyed everybody.

Finally arriving in the dining room,I sighed when the smell of food entered my nose,disgusted at the thought of having to be in the crowded room and of eating. Humans and food weren't my favorite things after all.

Nevertheless,I had to eat and I had to be here,it wouldn't take too long,I didn't plan on eating a lot. So I took one of the empty plates, focusing on the choice of different foods; rice,noodles, vegetables and some chicken. I instantly decided to take some rice and put a few pieces of broccoli on the plate,too.

Now I'd just have to find a place to sit. Since I was late,there was only one table left with a free place. I looked around,a shiny red catching my attention. Oh no. Especially the one where Matt and Mello sat. No wonder it was free, I even considered sitting down on the floor and eating there. But this would've been too exaggerated, if I would just try and sit there calmly and not annoy them, they probably wouldn't do anything to me. I certainly hoped so.

Both of them belonged to the kids who enjoyed bullying me,who hated me for some reason. Maybe because I was better than them in class,or just because of genuine hate.

However,especially Mello would enjoy it to beat me up and humiliate me every single time he had the chance to do so, whereas Matt would just join him sometimes. It almost seemed Matt was Mello's little dog, following him everywhere he went. Or this might just be what people consider a friendship,I wasn't sure, things like this tended to confuse me. Hesitantly I started walking over to them, but I didn't feel nervous. Something had to be wrong with me,I assumed every normal human would have felt nervous in such a situation. I didn't.

"Would Mello and Matt mind if I sat next to them?" I asked quietly,voice sounding as robotic and numb as usual. They shortly looked at each other until Mello made the effort of answering my question.

"Why don't ask somebody else,or just go and lock yourself away? We don't want you here," he answered, annoyed. He always seemed to be annoyed,or angry. And he never bothered hiding it,he was like a book open to read for anyone. It was fascinating how many feeling he seemed to have,even though they mostly consisted of anger and hatred.

But I should have known they didn't want me there. Without looking at them again,I turned and walked away.

Since I didn't want to wait until anybody else would leave,I just put the plate on the table where the dishes were located. I didn't feel like eating anyway. When I was just about to leave the room,I suddenly felt a hand on my shoulder,forcing me to turn around. I had to look up to see Roger's eyes looking straightly at me. "Near, would you mind coming with me, I need to discuss something with you." He didn't sound mad, so I figured this was just about some information he had to tell me about. Maybe something concerning a new case of L. "Okay," I answered shortly.

"You can go to my office already,I will be there in a few minutes." I nodded and walked over to his office,sitting down on one of the comfortable leather chairs,one of my hands raising to twirl a lock of my hair. I wondered. What was this about? Probably nothing concerning skipping lunch,so then, it seemed this was actually about some case or something about school.

But when I then heard the door being opened and I turned around,I was in fact a little surprised. There Roger stood, Matt and Mello following him. Now what exactly was this about?  
Since they both glared at me even worse than usual,I must had done something wrong. But what?

They seated themselves on the chairs next to me,Roger walking over to sit at the other side of the table.

"I think you all know what this is about," he began. No,I did, as strange as it appeared, seem to be the only one not understanding anything. "Since I've been watching the both of you, Matt and Mello, being mean to Near a lot lately,I wanted to discuss about it with you. You've got anything to say?" I then understood. He tried to help me it seemed. Not a good way,neither did I need help.  
"I don't remember doing anything like that,do you,Mello?" Matt asked innocently. "Damn,of course not," Mello tried to sound innocent as well,but his choice of words didn't help. He wasn't a good actor, nor was he good at hiding his feelings. Did Roger really think he could achieve something with this?

"Well, Near,is there anything you would like to say about this?"

It was weird,I could have just told him everything they had done. From beating me to humiliating me and threatening me, but I didn't. I didn't want to cause Mello and Matt trouble, yet I didn't know why.

"I don't know what you are talking about,there is no problem," I declared monotonous.

Roger eyed me suspiciously and I could feel Mello's ice blue orbs lingering on me as well. Matt was busy playing one of his games,I could tell so without looking since the sound of his Game Boy was rather loud.

"Are you sure,Near? I was quite certain about this. But if you say so." He doubted it highly,I could hear that, but why wouldn't he? Probably he thought they made me say so or something like that. But if I didn't say anything,he wouldn't have any reason to keep us here any longer. Perfect.

He nodded. I then decided that now I could finally leave.  
"If it's okay,I'll go to my room then," I stated,making it sound as if it was a question a little to be more polite. He nodded again and I got up as soon as possible,hoping to be able to prevent any further conversation. Today had been bad enough already.

When I entered the hallways for the third time this day, I quickly took the staircase,causing my breathing to become a little uneven because I wasn't a sporty person. Having finally reached my room, I closed the door behind me and walked over to my bed,sitting down. I felt empty. I felt as if there wasn't a single reason for living right then. Or bluntly said; I felt numb. It had been like this more often lately and I couldn't help but wish for being normal,feeling things like the others did,living like the other kids did. But it was quite the opposite. The harder I tried,the worse it got. And it was frustrating.

Some days I had been able to feel when I got beaten up by Matt and Mello again, sometimes I would feel alive if they screamed at me. This hadn't happened for two days now and as silly as it sounded, I felt as if I was missing it. But I also knew how I would be able to bring myself to feel at least something. If pain was the only thing that would make me feel, I could easily make me do so.

I had noticed that some time ago and it had proven itself as true over and over again.

And I yearned for this again. I needed this again. It had been like this so many times now,this was slowly becoming a habit,just like my hair twirling. Absentmindedly I leaned over to my nightstand, opening the drawer, searching one of the books I was keeping in there, as these were my favorites. But I did not plan on reading right now. It was currently being used as a secret hideaway. I fumbled with the last page,putting out the razor blade I had taken from the bath five weeks ago and positioned between the pages, hidden good enough to make sure nobody would find it.

I felt as if I wasn't even there anymore,acting on impulse,seeing as I slowly took the cold piece of metal between my fingers and lead it towards my arm. There was not a thing I could do to make myself stop before using my hand to pull the sleeves of my white jacket up and letting the sharp side of it touch my arm,gently at the beginning. The rational thought that used to control my life were gone by now and all I could do was enjoying the sensation of the blade,tearing my skin deeper with each second until finally blood started to flow. Not a lot yet,but I already felt the pain and the warm sensation of my blood, coloring my almost white skin in a deep red. The thing was that I actually felt it, not just wishing to do so or imagining it. And it wasn't hurting, it could better be described as feeling the pain coming with it. A gentle, soft,yet stinging pain that made me feel a little alive. Once again I pressed it tightly against my skin, enjoying the feeling of ripping it apart and seeing my blood come out of the wound.

Each time I did this,I felt actually humanoid, the thing I yearned for the most, the thing that was the hardest to do, yet, this could make it so easy. I felt normal. Not wanting my white jacket to be colored,too, I took a few tissues and wrapped them around my arm until they were soaked in it. I threw them in the trash and waited a few moments until the blood left on my arm was almost dry. The feeling disappeared as soon as it came,which left me there,sitting on the bed all alone,being a total mess.

Then suddenly I heard the sound of footsteps and my mind worked immediately,making me pull down my sleeves and cover my arms,only hoping for the blood to be dried already so no one could see any stains on my white clothes. I had noticed that whoever it was would come to my room, since it was the last door on the corridor.

When the door opened I couldn't help but be gasp,somewhat from the beating that was probably to come, and somehow from genuine surprise.

"Mello?" I asked still sounding somewhat humanoid which surprised me a little and as it appeared,him as well,because his bright blue eyes opened somewhat and he raised an eyebrow. I looked at him,still waiting for an answer.

"Near,why the hell did you do that? " he answered,voice as aggressive as always,even though he had seemed quite calm considering his temper just moments ago.

Just then my mind realized what he had said,eyes instantly drifting down to look at my arms,wondering if he could have seen anything. I doubted it,my arms were covered after all. How did he know then?

"Hey,little freak,I asked you something? What the hell do you think you'll accomplish by doing that? If you want to blackmail us with it, I would advice you to better not do so. You don't even want to know what will happen if you do." Okay,so this was all about me not telling Roger about what they did. I should have known he would mention it again, he wasn't the kind of person to silently think about something.

"I have no intention of doing so,Mello. I just didn't want to cause any trouble," I declared sounding the way I always did. I just then realized that I had confessed that I didn't want them to get into trouble. The first sentence would have been enough,I should have stopped there. With the blue orbs still facing me, I suddenly felt the strong urge of looking down and twirling a lock of hair.

" Do you even know how odd you are sometimes? Well anyways,I hope what you say is true,if not, I'll make sure to come back. Have a nice evening locked up in your room like some pathetic fucking freak."

He then left and I was alone again. Maybe it was because I had cut myself just an hour ago,maybe it was because I was actually a weird freak,but somehow his words had hurt me. I couldn't understand why,but it made me somewhat sad that not only I myself saw me as such,that others shared my opinion. That Mello just told me about this. I just wondered why I suddenly seemed to care.

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**Okay,that was it. Chapter one. As I said; tell me what you think and thanks a lot for reading it. **

**Next chapter there'll be some plot development I think,well anyway,enough of this unnecessary note,bye. (:  
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	2. Planning

**Hey, hey, hey. (: Thanks to everybody who read chapter one and also clicked on this one. I love you,seriously, all of you. But okay,so here is the second chapter. It's shorter than the previous one, because I think the next things that happen after this will be a little funnier from Near's point of view. :3  
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**Anyways, I hope you like it, feel free to comment on it. In fact I'd really like that because then I'd maybe know how to get better at writing since English isn't my native language. Hopefully it's readable and enjoyable though. Thanks to all of you for reading and I hope you like it. (:  
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**By the way: This is Mello's point of view.  
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****Disclaimer: I do not own it, never did, never will. Sadly.

**Chapter 2: Planning**

I banged the door behind myself, threw my black tight leather jacket on the couch and then kicked off my black boots. Obviously I wasn't in the best mood. But how the hell would I be in a good mood after talking to Near? Certainly no way in hell I would be happy then, each time when I'd look at him, each time I'd see him, sometimes even when just a thought of him occurred in my mind, it was enough to make me want to kill somebody. How could someone such as he think of himself as better than others? He was not, I knew that. But he would never come to understand it. And no matter what he would do, everybody would think of it as though it was something better than my work. Yeah, I definitely hated that fucking freak.

A sudden pain ripped me out of my annoyed and hateful thoughts and I noticed I had clenched my fists a little too hard, what had become as much of a habit as it had to think about Near. Damn, this was so fucked up. I decided that it was time for a bar of chocolate and made my way through the room rather quickly, heading for one of the shelves where I used to hide the extra amounts of chocolate I stole from the kitchen each week on Monday. It was only then when I noticed Matt's presence in the room, when Matt angrily yelled at me. "Hey, chocolate addict, get out of the way, I want to watch TV. "

Since the shelf was right above the TV and I took a great pleasure in annoying Matt, I decided that right now I would need really long to find the chocolate and get away to let him watch TV, making him mutter something under his breath because of my actions. I could care less, annoying him was fun.

"Damn it, Mello. I wanna watch that," he whined. I couldn't help but smirk when suddenly his normally so neutral facial expression changed into a small pout. Matt sometimes reminded me of a little child, as soon as he wouldn't get something he wanted, especially when it was about technology, he would start with this kind of behaviour. Yet, I knew that he only acted like that when he was with me. Normally his attitude and his humor were rather dark.

"Whiny bitch," I commented and started walking over to him, letting myself fall on the couch next to him. He looked at me expectantly, raising one of his reddish eyebrows. I held his gaze, looking right into his green-bluish eyes. "What?" I asked, sounding just as annoyed as always. Sometimes I wanted to sound like this, yet sometimes I was likely to get aggressive in situations where actually no one had done something wrong.  
"Well, I assume talking to Near was fun as always, seeing your calm and happy mood. Geez, Mello. You really need to learn to calm down a little," he said seriously, looking at my bloody hand. He knew about my habits when I got angry . But I could tell from the look he gave me then that he already had some of his 'genius' plans in his mind.

"You know damn well that I can't stand Near. He's a fucking moron. And do you know what he said? He told me that he has no intention of doing anything like blackmailing us. As if he was better than we are. Just like always, you know sometimes I just want to kill him, he's so unbelievable.." I snapped, stopping there since I didn't even find a word to describe how I actually felt about him. And also because Matt interrupted me with his own words. " God damn it, if you yell any louder, we'll have Roger here soon! And I think we've discussed this whole Near thing often enough already. Want to know what I bought today? " he asked, eyes sparkling slightly as he asked the last question. I eyed him suspiciously, expecting anything silly. It was Matt we're talking about after all.

He then got up from the couch, walked towards the door and locked it with a silent sound.  
"Matt, what the hell?" I yelled at him, somewhat annoyed, but a little curious as well.

"I just thought we needed some private time, Melly," He explained in a suggestive tone and I could instantly feel my cheeks heat up as he looked at me, a smirk on his face. But then again, he shortly looked as if he would burst into laughter soon. He was mocking me, I knew that. I quickly mustered all my seriousness, if one would call it that, again and suggested "Okay, then come here, let's have some fun." I loved to fuck with other's minds. Now it was his turn to blush and in combination with his shiny red hair, he reminded me of a potato. I couldn't help but laugh out loudly, wanting to take a picture of the look on his face. "Damn it, Matt, don't you want that? " I still mocked him but now he didn't take it seriously anymore since my question was pronounced with a breathless voice and interrupted by laughter. He stared at me awkwardly.

After that I watched him sitting down next to me again, fumbling with a little package and emptying it on the desk eventually. Okay, I should have known it. "Where the hell did you get that again? " I asked, sounding far more surprised and interested than I actually was.  
"Well, I was in town and yeah, when there was that one guy I thought some shit might brighten our moods, you know?" I should really have known. This was exactly one of the reasons why he was my best friend, because he was an idiot.

Brighten our moods. Damn, this was certainly a good idea, after talking to Near it would help. Was it normal that somebody could make you this angry, make you want to kill somebody? To totally freak out? All of this just because of him and his smart ass attitude. An idea occurred in my mind. Maybe that would work.

"Matt, I just got the best fucking plan of my life ! " I yelled loudly before having fully thought of what this idea actually was. But I had an approximate plan. Okay, maybe it wasn't the best idea of my life, but if this would work it was surely going to be fun. Matt looked up interested while rolling his bud.  
"You know that we'd get into a lot of trouble if somebody found out about things like that?!"  
I pointed at his almost finished joint.  
"-Yep, probably."  
"And doing drugs can cause people to act silly?"  
"- Why the hell do you even ask about that? You are quite aware of it I guess."

"Because I just got an idea that could be really fun and useful, if we could make this work."  
He looked at me questioningly, asking," And what exactly are you planning to do? "  
"What if technically, Near would come to do drugs, wouldn't this make him less reliable than us? Wouldn't that take away the only thing that's so 'special' about him?" I informed him about the basic idea of the plan.  
He smirked at me slightly. "But how the hell do you plan on making him do drugs, it's Near, Mello. I haven't ever seen him drinking, eating or smoking anything, I doubt he's even human. This wouldn't work."

I sighed. He was right there. But the idea was fabulous, there would be some way to make him do that for sure.

"Matt, we're going to cook something. A stoned Near will be a lot easier to convince about things like that, that's for sure." Damn, this was my best idea ever. Near, the little brat who always acted as if he was better than anyone else, seeing him drugged. This was going to be funny as hell ! And if we'd somehow be able to get closer to him and 'befriend' with him in order to change him a little more, this could really result in us being preferred over him from L. But we'd have to plan this quite well. I'd be capable of that. Surely I would. I smiled, a genuine smile, the picture of a stoned Near, talking nonsense and being vulnerable, it amused me.

"Okay, so.. Matt, you still got some left?" I heard him sigh and didn't quite get why, but he nodded nevertheless.  
"Good, we've got some business to devote to," I informed him, enthusiastically. Finally something to look forward to. So we started preparing everything we'd need for our plan and Matt followed me to the kitchen. Just as always, Matt was a good partner in crime after all.

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**Yay, there it was. I hope you liked it, next one will be funny I guess. Or I hope. There'll be a stoned Near, oh god. Whatever. I'm really overjoyed today, so ; love to all of you ^^**


	3. Confusion

**Hey,hey. (: Thanks to all of you who read the first two chapters already and especially to those who favorited it and also those who follow the story. You're awesome. **

**Anyways, here's a new chapter, it's a little longer than the previous one and written from Near's point of view.  
And guess what? Finally Near and Mello are getting closer to each other. No worries, they'll get to be a lot closer in later chapters. :D I had planned on writing about the stoned Near in this one already, oh how I'm looking forward to that. But that'll be in the next chapter, this one would have become too long if I had put it in here. Sorry.  
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**The chapter is named confusion and it might confuse you as well, but in the next one, some things that happened here will be explained. :3 **

**I hope you all enjoy reading and might as well review because I actually don't have any idea whether my writing style is okay or not. Probably not. But yeah, since I'm not a native english speaker, there are probably some mistakes. I'd be glad if you'd inform me about that. **

**Whatever, here we go, bitches. 3 **

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Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note. I' not capable of creating something as awesome as that.

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_**Chapter 3 : Confusion.**_

It was like every morning, the first thing to endure was getting up. Leaving the nice, joyful world of dreams to awake into a nightmare, reality. Even though I couldn't remember having dreamed that night, it still seemed I had been ripped out of something that was way better than daily life by opening my eyes. That surely was just some kind imagination due to the fact that at night the brain tried to handle the things it had noticed while one was awake. Like all these things the others would describe as feelings, it was a just a brain process,simple as that. So, this was nothing to worry about. I shut my eyes tightly, hoping for it to help me fall asleep again, but my body was merciless, not letting my body get at least a little more of rest. Yay, another day had begun.

Tiredly I looked to my right, searching for my alarm clock. When I found it and pressed the button that made it light up, it took my eyes a moment to adjust to the bright blue numbers. 05: 13 it read. I had never known why, but I wasn't able to sleep any longer than at the most 6 o'clock. But that gave me the some time to be left alone in silence instead of hearing the other kids scream and laugh rather loudly, even through the closed door of mine. And also I always had some time to shower before breakfast, so I wouldn't have to waste some of my other time doing it. Not that there was much to waste at all, I still thought so. Also, early in the morning I would have the big bathroom with the showers, that were luckily in separated cabins, all to myself. I preferred the company of myself instead of being with others, but sometimes, even being with myself was bad enough already. Nevertheless, I guessed I had to endure that much for sure. Everybody had to.

I slowly raised from my bed, stretching shortly and then went to my wardrobe, searching for clothes. It wasn't really searching, actually I just put out another pair of what I wore every day, white shorts and a white shirt and white underwear as well. No socks; I didn't like socks, I preferred walking barefoot, which wasn't a big problem since I rarely ever went outside. I then went out of my room, closing the door behind me, making my way through the big hallways of Wammy's once again, silence lingering in the air this time. Strangely I didn't even enjoy that this morning. When I entered the bathroom I headed straightly to one of the cabins, disgusted at what I saw in the big wall mirror I passed. I looked pale, too pale, not like others did. I looked white. All white. I was too small for my age, my body was a wreck although my arms weren't even visible. I quickly looked away again, afraid of seeing this any longer and not enduring it. For I wasn't able to endure this. It was too much for me to handle.

After closing the door, I unclothed myself,hung my clothes over it and turned the water on. I knew I would have to wait around two and a half minutes until the water would reach the right temperature so I quietly stood there, shivering because it wasn't that warm and I had just gotten out of the bed. But that wasn't special at all, I always shivered when it was just a little too cold for me to feel comfortable. Probably that was one of the side effects my way too small and way too disgusting body had. When the two minutes and 30 seconds were over, I hurried and placed myself underneath the water jet, astonished of how warm the water felt against my ice cold skin. I took the shampoo and cleaned myself until suddenly a burning pain interrupted my actions. Ah, yeah. Yesterday, I had forgotten about that already, soap doesn't feel well when it comes into contact with bruised skin. In fact, it burned like hell.

And suddenly I was reminded of what had happened just one day ago. Of the strange talk I had with Mello. Probably nobody else would bother to think about a single almost random talk, but, I wasn't so normal after all. I didn't talk a lot and considering the meeting Roger had with us yesterday, that had been quite a talkative day for me. But it had also been a strange one, I had acted strange while these talks for two times. That was certainly not usual, I didn't have problems like that usually. And I didn't feel the need to hide any information from Roger or any off the other staff. I hadn't told them about Mello's and Matt's actions. Maybe because I just didn't want any trouble, but I had to confess, I didn't think that far when I had told him they hadn't done anything. Maybe I was getting sick. I wouldn't want to visit a doctor though, because then I would have to put off my clothes and then there would be questions. But maybe it was something serious that was wrong with me, I had in fact talked to Mello and even spoken out one of my thoughts. I never did that. Whatever was wrong, I would have to make sure not to let it become any worse. L had always told me that it was clever to just tell others things that they ought to know, so I had made sure I would do so. Always. This should better not change, it could cause problems and the others would notice it. Because that was one of the things that separated me from the others here. They were geniuses,too. But they wouldn't be able to control their actions the way I did. They had feelings, they had personalities. I had given up on this long ago. But I assumed that I was born to do that. Who never something like that to begin with wouldn't have to sacrifice a lot.

For others this would have been harder. Mello, for example. It was almost fascinating how he behaved, feelings and intuition being the main factors of what he did in his life. And for some reason it appeared that every time I was around it seemed to be rather obvious that all he felt was hate. I had wondered why often already, but I didn't find another reason than the one everybody had; I was myself. A disgusting, annoying and unsociable human being. And it would always stay like this.

Having finished showering, I dried myself with a white towel and dressed myself. I then exited the bathroom and made my way to the library, hoping for it to be empty.

Sadly, it wasn't. I heard that even before I entered the room since there seemed to be people arguing inside. Who would be up this early and be that loud while others still slept? I opened the door and looked into the room. Of course, who else? Mello and Matt were in the library, arguing loudly and aggressively, but that was their normal tone when talking, I had noticed already. But what surprised me was that they instantly stopped talking, even moving, when they took sight of me. I didn't show my surprise though, waiting for what was to happen next. Were they going to beat me up? I could care less, I didn't mind being harmed. But then,something really unexpected happened. After exchanging a look with Matt, Mello looked at me, ice blue eyes staring right into my dark gray ones.

"Hey Near, how are you? " He asked, sounding as if it would be normal for the two of us to communicate like this. His eyes still didn't leave their focus on mine, until I eventually felt the strong urge to stare at my feet, wondering what to do next. Should I answer nicely, or not even answer at all? Was this some kind of a trick? Once again before my mind had fully decided, I answered.

"I am uhm.. alright,"I stuttered awkwardly. I had never stuttered like this. The whole situation was just a little too much for me to handle right now, I guessed. When I looked up again his eyes were still focused on me and I started to wonder whether he tried to count my eyelashes or something like that. Was this some sort of psycho trick to confuse me ? When I caught myself finally, I instantly put on my mask of indifference again since it had probably failed for a short moment. I felt my facial expression harden and it seemed Mello recognized it as well. It seemed as if he had a rather big problem with staying calm, but he did anyway. Okay, this was certainly strange. And I didn't see any reason for him to behave like that.

"That's nice, what are you doing here? " Instead of threatening, he sounded rather .. friendly, calm. It somehow felt weird having him act like that, but I wouldn't dare asking what exactly was wrong. I just stood there feeling out of place while being eyed by the two older boys. I'd have to answer, that's how conversations worked, I reminded myself. "I was looking for a book," I stated, voice sounding normal again. Not what others considered normal, but my definition of it.

I saw Matt chuckling and looking at Mello in a weird way. Something was really wrong here. Then he looked at me, green-blue eyes shining slightly. He then began to speak. "Near, what Mello actually wanted to ask was whether you have time later today or not, you could come over to our room after breakfast. You were really friendly yesterday, thanks for not telling Roger anything. " I was pretty sure Mello hadn't had any intention of saying something such as that. And even though Matt had always been friendlier than him, he wouldn't be that nice either, usually. Something was pretty wrong with that and to my displeasure, I didn't understand what exactly the whole thing was about. Neither was I sure what to answer to this. I would rather be in my own room, alone. But from the intense stare Mello gave me when seemingly noticing my doubts, I figured that I wasn't actually given the opportunity to choose. So I answered emotionless, "Okay, if you want me to do that.." The slight hope of Mello snapping 'Get the fuck away, this was just a joke,freak' still in my mind, but it was destroyed as soon as he smirked his usual toothy grin and replied, " We wouldn't have asked if we didn't want you to."

The two of them them stood up and I once again noticed how small I actually was when they walked to the door, both of them mouthing a 'see you later' as they left.

And I was left alone in the big room, stunned at what had just happened. I wasn't experienced at having contact with others, but from what I knew and had observed, I was sure that mood changes like this were nothing that one could call normal at all. This might had been a special case since Mello and Matt weren't that much of normal teenagers either, but I had known them for longer and this was the first time for them to behave like that, how couldn't I have doubts?

As I slowly got out of my thoughts again, it took me a moment to realize what I was actually doing there. And so, instead of wondering without coming to a useful conclusion, I just went over to one of the selves, searching for a book. What could I read about? It had to be some new book because I remembered exactly what I read. So it would be nothing but a waste of time to read a book twice. As I looked trough the amounts of books, I found one that quickly caught my attention. It was a book about psychological studies concerning behavior disorders, that would fit quite good in the current situation I decided , since I had just experienced such. I quietly made my way to the sofa placed in the corner of the room and switched a small lamp on since it was still pretty early and a little too dark to read. I then opened the book, looking the pages trough in order to find something that would help me finding out what was wrong. Yet, eventually I had to admit, it hadn't helped. I would have to find out myself later. Anyways, for now, I would have to go to the dining room. It was breakfast time.

So I placed the book in the shelf again, stood up and walked downwards. As I entered the room a familiar sight greeted me again. As good as everybody was awake by now, so the room was rather crowded and I couldn't stand it. But as always, I would have to eat and drink at least something. This was necessary to stay healthy and it would be suspicious if I wouldn't do it. I could at least decide myself what I would pick, this might help a little. As always, there was bread, muffins different vegetables and fruits and different kinds of spreads. I decided to take an apple and a slice of bread. In addition to that, I took a glass and filled it with cacao, as usual. When I had placed all of that on my tray, I turned around to look for a place to sit, once again. It surprised me rather mildly that Mello and Matt waved to me, signaling me to sit next to them. I was aware of the fact that they were planning on something and I'd better be careful to keep sight on everything they did, any part of what they said could be an important clue.

But I once again did as they told me and walked towards their desk. It was strange to be invited to sit next to somebody instead of searching for a place. There wasn't an empty desk so I wouldn't have one for myself anyway and as long as they wouldn't try to talk to me a lot, it would be alright. Even if they did, it wouldn't bother me at all. So without looking one of them into their eyes, I just quietly sat down, placing the tray with the food in front of me.

For a moment or two, I believed that they were just going to stay quiet and let me be, but this were Mello and Matt. Of course they would not. When I felt them staring at me, I decided it was time to say something perhaps. I wondered. Why was interacting with others this hard to do? And why did it seem as if I was the only one having a problem with it? Didn't they notice that? Why were they trying though?

Then suddenly I was reminded of what had happened yesterday and if I were to do histrionic things like that, I would have face palmed myself. They were being nice because they didn't want trouble with Roger. It would have to be as simple as that. My brain seemed to lack at it's abilities these days. It was the most obvious and I hadn't noticed it. People were the most confusing thing in the world. Facts and targets were easy to calculate with, but in a situation when you are personally involved, it wasn't that easy. Since I had again spent all the time sitting there quietly and thinking, it wasn't me but Mello who started talking. "Near, could you come with me shortly, I need to talk to you about something," he said, sounding somewhat exited, but not in the negative, usual 'Mello way'. It took me a moment to decide whether to comply or to refuse, a moment too long. He just grabbed me by my hand rudely and pulled me through the room and outside the door into the hallway.

As I now looked up to see his face, I noticed just how much taller than me he was. Or it might just seemed like that. He looked down at me, smirking. It was just then that I realized how close he actually was and being shocked about that, I quickly took a step back. Or so I tried. He only gripped my wrist tighter, preventing me from moving. Too close, he definitely was. I felt my cheeks heat up. This was too much, couldn't I just die, please? I couldn't let myself react like that, so I tried to act indifferent, which was rather hard to do being only around eight inches away from him, I tried though. He stared at me interested as I began to raise my voice.

"Mello, what is this about? " I asked, sounding too intimidated for my own liking. And my acting didn't help my blush either, I couldn't my face and I surely was glad about that. His smirk grew even bigger and it made me want to run away and curl into myself in some corner. Yet, I didn't. Sadly. Because instead of answering, his left hand grabbed my other wrist, pushing me roughly against the wall, not giving me any opportunity to move or, as well, get away. Sometimes I hated my small and weak body. It was unfair, I didn't have a chance to get away. He slowly moved closer, his ice blue orbs eying me thoroughly. I wanted to look away, I was desperate to look away, but his piercing stare forced me to stay in place. I didn't dare move and I then noticed that I had even held me breath until now. I exhaled quietly. "Mello, I don't.." I tried shyly, but he stopped me by moving even closer. Now he was so close, our noses almost touching and I feared that he would try getting even closer.

"I just wanted to remind you to come over to our room after breakfast,"he whispered softly.

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**Yaay, end of chapter three. I feel happy right now. Hope you do as well. Hope you liked it, if you didn't; I'm sorry I wrote it and you wasted your time on reading it. ;o **


	4. Sedation

**Hey,everybody (: Here I am again with another chapter of 'the sharpest lives are the deadliest to lead.' **

**First of all, thanks to all of you who read it, who follow it and favorited it.**

** goodfences: Thanks a lot, glad you like it. I tried to hurry with the chapter, but I was a little busy this week. Anyways, thanks for reviewing (:**

**Btw: This story is dedicated to a friend of mine, Eee. 3  
**

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Disclaimer: I do not own it sadly, in case I do anytime soon, I'll tell you about it. :3

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**Sedation**

"I just wanted to remind you to come over to our room after breakfast,"he whispered softly.

And by that moment, it was official. I didn't understand the world anymore, something had to be seriously wrong, maybe there was something wrong with the food, there might as well be a gas lack somewhere in the orphanage making his mind fuzzy, or maybe he had been drinking.. No, then he would behave differently. As once again my mind was busy questioning myself what his strange behavior was about, a sudden movement pulled me out of my thoughts, making me realize my position on the earth once again, I was captured by his arms, vulnerable, an easy prey he would act nice to for a last time until he would sink his teeth into my neck and kill me. I was negative this would actually kill me, but that's how my current state could be described best. But for some strange reason it felt as if I wouldn't end up getting killed by him. At least for the now. This was wrong, he always would. I shouldn't let my guard down that easily, not that it made a big difference if I did anyways.

He slapped me in the face. And no, I didn't just imagine it. He actually did and as I raised my hand to touch my cheek softly, I noticed that they were hurting. As he spoke up, I looked at him, wondering what he would say now. " Little idiot. Are you fucking stupid? When I talk to you you'd better answer instead of staring into the air," he snapped. Wonderful. He had gone back to normal and even if that meant physical harm, it was less confusing.

I responded quietly. "I didn't mean to offend you, I was just wondering why Mello and Matt would want me to come to their room." A smirk formed on his lips, yet it was a typical Mello smirk, mostly used when someone was to be harmed by him. And I had already known it before, why else should I go there? Now my thoughts were confirmed. "You'll see later, little sheep." With that, he eagerly grabbed my arm and pulled me into the room again. I was not comfortable with getting lead like this, I didn't like physical contact and Mello had come way too close to me anyway, I sighed. While opening the door, he glared at me shortly for reasons unknown to me. I decided Mello never needed a particular reason to do that and just looked at him questioningly. He dragged me into the room and back to the table we sat. As he let go, I stumbled and almost fell down, having to stand on my own again.

Matt watched us precisely, looking somewhat confused. "Geez, Mello, what did you do to him, he looks like a fucking tomato."

Mello glared at Matt noticeably. Because I looked like a 'fucking tomato'?! Then I understood. He referred to the probably still noticeable blush in my face. That was in fact Mello's fault, he hit me and he got much too close. Still I didn't like the thought that one could see it in my face, but it was merely a body function. No need to blush even more. If only my body would always comply to what my brain said. I looked down, letting my bangs cover my face. They had grown a little longer than usual.

"Shut the fuck up, Matt." I could practically feel the glare he threw at him. Again, I was confused.

Nevertheless, I would not show that. I would just act as always. For I was like always.

Already wanting to get up and go to my room, two voices almost simultaneously interrupted my actions hastily. "Near, where do you think you're going? Eat your food and you come with us then."  
I inwardly sighed because I knew I didn't have a choice, so I sat down again, looking at them shortly before focusing on my food. I took a small bite of the apple, regretting it instantly as a piece of apple was in my mouth and I chewed it, swallowing it as fast as possible. To me food was somewhat disgusting. Not only the taste, but also the feeling of eating, it made me feel really uncomfortable, especially when being with others. And each time after I ate, I would regret it. So I laid the apple down again, taking a few small bites of the bread. Disgusting as well, but still somewhat better. Having finished half of it, I drank my cacao in order to get the taste of the food away. This didn't mean I like the taste of cacao, but I would rather drink something than eat. My meal was finished.

I noticed the other two staring at me weirdly and silently wondered what this was about now. Dealing with relationships brought up so many questions, but answers were hard to get, especially when the people you talk about were Matt and Mello. Why did so many people spend time on relationships? This would do nothing but mess things up. Being alone didn't bring any conflicts with it.

"Uhm, Near. You barely ate a half slice of bread and bit into the apple once, is this all you eat for breakfast? " Matt questioned, this time not sounding as if mocking me. People always got really serious when it was about my eating habits. Roger did, he forced me to eat in public and when he would notice me skipping a meal, I'd get told about things I already knew. How the body needed food to work and such.

"I'm fine with that," I answered. They both looked at each other and murmured something which I assumed to be 'freak' or maybe 'idiot'.

When the both of them had finished their meal as well, which had been a lot more than mine, Mello once again grabbed my wrists, making me flinch in pain for a moment since his touch to my bruised skin was what could be described as rather ungentle. He seemed to notice that, but luckily he didn't ask. He probably assumed that I was just surprised at him touching me again, maybe he even thought that an ungentle touch would hurt me, since I was small and had rather thin arms. Then again, he and Matt lead me through the orphanage, to their room and closed the door. I just hoped this wouldn't become a habit.

So, I was finally there, half expecting to be beaten up right now. But noting like that happened.  
Matt, who had the smaller problem with my presence in their room, then spoke up. " Sit down, anywhere you want, but you better don't chose to invade Melly's personal space. He's a bit possessive of his belongings and you're uhm, you're Near, you know?" He spoke as if Mello wasn't in the room.

Then, Mello snapped and I wondered if it was about the mentioning of his nickname that sounded like a girl's, because I was there in general, or simple because he had spent 5 minutes without swearing. That was rather long. For him it really was.

"Matt, you better shut the fuck up. It's enough to have to endure Near being here. Where is my fucking chocolate?!" he yelled, searching the room like a madman, looking desperate for a piece of chocolate. He acted like an addict.  
"Mels, calm down, it's pretty much in the same place as always, in the shelf over the TV, silly. " Matt laughed at the image of Mello storming over to the TV, stumbling over one of the things he threw there himself before when searching like crazy and got up within a second. When he finally had his chocolate, he snapped of a piece of it and his facial expression softened. I blinked. Had he always looked like that? Of course, there was no difference, how would there be one? But now as I began to wonder about that, I suddenly noticed that everything looked somewhat different. A kind of blurred. I closed my eyes, just to open them a moment later. I still didn't see anything. A few more moments, I did again, only to see Matt and Mello sitting not far away from me. Actually I would have considered this as too close, but right now, I didn't care about that. Something was wrong. Or wasn't it?

I wanted to speak. Badly. And it was rather hard to manage, but I finally came up with a few words. "I'm not feeling so well," I stated, surprised at how my own voice sounded. I had never sounded like that, had I? Probably I had. I blinked. For a short moment I was able to concentrate on the picture in front of me. Mello laughing loudly and Matt looking at me slightly worried. I had so many thoughts and questions in my mind, yet, I could not remember one of them long enough to come up with an answer, or an idea.

"Near, how are you?" Mello giggled. His voice echoed in my head. It was deeper than mine, yet, it was not the voice you would expect someone like him to have. There was not a word I could use to express my thoughts, or rather impressions and so all I did was absent-mindedly speaking it out. "Mello, your voice is.." A brief pause followed and I could hear their laughs getting louder by the second I started talking. With them looking at me expectantly, I proceeded to finish my sentence. "funny."

Right then I just noticed the noises of laughter getting louder and louder, not knowing if it was just my mind or if they actually laughed. I blinked again. All of a sudden, I had this funny feeling inside of me. I couldn't help but laugh out loud, not even caring that I hadn't done this for ages. Never, actually.

I opened my eyes, just then noticing that they had been closed.

"Damn it Matt, take a photo please," Mello pleaded sounding as if he was on the edge of tears by laughing. The voiced echoed trough my mind again and I would have sworn that they said that in fact 100 times. If only I would have been able to talk. They still sat close to me and as soon as I felt my legs still existed, I moved my arm to the ground, trying to help myself standing up with this. And it surprised myself that I was able to do so. I felt my legs shake and my hands shivered a little as I finally stood. No idea where I wanted to go, no idea whether I would be able to walk. No idea or brain function at all. And just when I attempted to start walking, the weight became too much for my shaky legs to handle and I fell. Right onto Mello's lap. Oh god, I was going to get killed. That was sure by now.

"Oh god, Mels. Haha, you two look so cute together," Matt managed to speak, the words being interrupted by laughter. I managed to sit up. I blinked.  
"Oh Matt just shutthefuckup. Near, GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME!" Again, I wondered if I just imagined it or if he really spoke that loud. I shivered. I looked at him, straightly into his eyes that seemed to be even bluer now. Not a deep sea blue, but a light ice blue. And I couldn't bring myself to stop looking into them for what I assumed was a minute. Maybe more, maybe less. Whatever was wrong, my sense for time was influenced greatly. It was disturbing. Not that I could have been any more disturbed at this very moment.

"Mello, why exactly do you hate me so much?" I asked, shocked at what I had just pronounced.

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:o my little cute Near drugged. And he doesn't know what is going on. :3

Hope it was okay, it was rather hard to describe actually. But hopefully you liked it though.

If you have something to say about it, feel free to review. I'll try and hurry with the next one.


	5. Different

**Hey,hey,hey. (: Soo, here's chapter number 5. finally. I shouldn't be that lazy. **

** goodfences: Exactly, that's what they did. :D Yeah, I'm planning on doing that, but it'll take them a little longer to even realize it, they'll be pretty confused later. :3 Anyway, thanks for reviewing (:  
**

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Disclaimer: Again, I confess, I do not own Death Note. I'm just in love with it.

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**Different**

It was astonishing. Why the hell would this little freak ask something like that? Wasn't he supposed to be clever? Couldn't he figure out himself why nobody would ever like him? And why did he ask me out of all people? Why would one ask something like that when being stoned anyways?

"Damn, you don't seem to get it. " He stared at me, eyes wide and maybe there could even be some emotion seen in them. Which was rare. But he was drugged,the little robotic and well-behaved Near stoned. But I didn't get it, this was supposed to be funny, nothing else. Why had the little idiot asked that? How could I explain? I started explaining nevertheless. "You're a freak. You're arrogant. You look like a girl. Your only friends are your puzzles, don't you notice that everybody hates you? You're not any better than me or Matt. How can someone like you even act as though.."

"But I don't mean to.." A quite and insecure voice spoke up. Near looked at me, for the thousandth time today. He didn't construct the rest of the sentence and just stared at me confused.

He had interrupted me. He seriously had. Actually right now, he'd deserve a punch, maybe even a kick, but Matt and I caused him to behave like that, so this wouldn't be fair. Or maybe.. just a little punch?

I clenched my fists until it hurt.

As I looked at Matt from the corner of my eyes and immediately noticed the stern look he gave me. Okay, so I would be nice, namely; I'd only hurt Near by using words. If they could even do so, I doubted someone as arrogant as him understood it when he got insulted. But we didn't want to end up being punished by Roger again, so I had to act this way.

"Is there any reason to not fucking hate you?" I hissed. He would come up with some facts, including his intelligence, that he behaved better than others or something like that, I was certain of it. He would respond with anything that would show me that he was better again. That was just how what he always did.

He didn't. He quietly spoke up. "I suppose there is not a thing to like about someone like me, no."

Maybe it was because of the drugs, but I was shocked at how normal that had sounded. Yeah, quite depressed and as if he had a lack of self-confidence, but human nevertheless. Strange. But I wouldn't let him confuse me like that. He was a fucking idiot and he deserved to know it. He shouldn't have answered this way. How should I respond to it? I took a bite of my chocolate bar. Grey orbs still stared into light blue ones.

"Fuck you, you did it again. You aren't any better than we are, stop being sarcastic." I spoke out sounding pretty convinced about it, but I wasn't even sure that in such a state, somebody could be sarcastic deliberately. But it had to be sarcasm, what else would it be?

"Mels, stop yelling. He's fucking high and talking nonsense and I doubt he is able to over-think what you say actually. Or what he himself says," Matt,who hadn't said a word the whole time, addressed me. Maybe he was right, maybe I should, in fact, calm down. Maybe that would be better. I took a deep breath. It was okay. Everything was alright. Near just was a fucking idiot. We had mixed some weed butter in his cacao and there he was, sitting right in front of me, drugged. How easy this had been, I wouldn't have expected it to work out that well. And I should use this situation instead of letting him make me angry. Then again, he always did.

And if we wanted to change him, we'd have to get closer to him first and destroy him slowly and steadily. Until he would be fucked up enough for us to appear better than him. To L, Roger, the whole world. Or was it just me myself that wanted to know this so desperately? However, it was easy and I loved planning and speculating. Just like Near, but he preferred games over real life. I was the opposite of him there. Not only when it was about games.

But my plan, it would work. Right now with him in front of me, all vulnerable that might seemed a bit mean. No, it was not. Probably not.

Having thought about the whole thing I just came to the same conclusion as always. Near's fault.  
"Yeah, I know. But he started it. He shouldn't ask questions like- .."

Suddenly a short yet loud knock on the door interrupted the silence in the room. Fuck. "Who's there?"

"It's Linda." Ugh. Linda. She was one hell of an annoying bitch. I didn't like her a bit, each time Matt and me did anything funny, she would run to Roger and tell him about it. Just to make sure we would get punished. She often asked Near to play with her. Bitch. He was our toy now. That much was sure.

"What?" I asked bluntly, not bothering to keep my voice level. Why would I ?

"Matt,Mello. Do you know where Near is? You ate with him,so.." She asked shyly. Disgusting girl.

"What do you want from Near? Why do you ask us? If you can't find him it's just because he can't stand you and he doesn't want to talk, play or hang out with you!" I shouted rather loudly. I just hoped she got my point. And just as expected she reacted like any girl out there would. She shouted something back about how Near would never say that and that I was mean. Then she quickly ran away, but not fast enough to not hear the sound whispers of her. She would go and cry now.

Seriously, this was almost as funny as punching Near.

I knew Matt did in fact like Linda, they were friends. I could practically feel the glare he delivered me.

But what about Near?

Oh yeah, Near. What about them, did he like her? As I looked over he still stared at me, it was a kind of creepy. Anyway, how could someone's eyes be that big? I had always wondered why exactly he didn't have red eyes. For his skin and hair were certainly these of an albino. Not that I had ever thought about his eyes. I just wondered. Never mind. He was strange,so were his eyes. Best explanation for it. And for some strange reason, they were really capturing.

He looked pretty absentminded, eyes staring far away into the air. Maybe to the wall, or the window. I didn't know for sure, but either way, he seemed even more different from usually.

"..Near?" I decided to ask him something. Could be fun.

Slowly he got out of his trance. He blinked a few times, looked downwards, seemed to recognize that he still sat a way too close and blushed. There would be no other way to describe it than cute. No! Oh god no, not cute. Idiotic. Definitely not.

"Yes, Mello?" He still sounded a little tired and confused, but somewhat like himself again. Which was more fun to humiliate.

"Do you like Linda?" I asked, shocked at how this question sounded. This could be interesting. If he did, it would be easy to embarrass him in public, that was good. Quite easy. Even though I seriously doubted he did like her. For some reason. It would just be too easy. It's never that easy. And I couldn't stand her. Would we even do that if we knew? It didn't fit in the plan. What exactly had the plan been? Damn these eyes.

Near himself looked a little stunned after being questioned about something like this. I watched as he took a moment to think and then answered ever so slowly. " No, why would I? " The difference in his voice was pretty obvious, when sober he sounded so robotic and numb, it was unbelievable. Now he didn't. He had said no.

Even if this would have been fun, he had definitely just gained some of my respect for not liking her.

"Damn, Mello. No way in hell this sheep would ever like a girl!" Matt began to laugh and , damn his infectious laugh, I couldn't help but do the same. I shortly wondered how exactly he had meant it, but decided to just laugh instead. And even Near after looking confused, smiled a little and eventually laughed as well. Even as we slowly calmed down again, he was still smiling a bit. Maybe he was, after all, not that clear minded yet. Matt had just said something to make fun of him and the small albino laughed. Oh, weed is one hell of a drug.

It was then that I realized that I had never heard him laugh like this actually. Never. It appeared strange, but in some way, a smile fit his face better than the usual serious expression. This smile didn't reach his eyes though. But he was only fourteen, it was just natural for someone of that age to smile,wasn't it? It was normal. But he was not.

He was stoned. And right now, I started to wonder what exactly we would do with him when he'd get sober again, surely, he wouldn't get better again too soon, but wouldn't he run to Roger later? We could hit him and make him not say a word. But in either case. What exactly could we tell Near? This hadn't worked out that well, it might had been fun seeing him like this, but we didn't find out anything interesting about him, if there even is something, and I doubted he would see us as friends if he knew we drugged him. But he had to.

What else to say? Fuck. I should have planned this a little better.

"Matt? " The redhead looked at me, seemingly somewhat surprised at my sudden words. "Yeah?"

I stood up, leaving Near sitting there alone on the carpet, leaning against my bed in order to sit properly and grabbed Matt's arm, forcing him up. I informed him, "We need to discuss something." And dragged him over to the other side of the room.

"Uhm, Matt? Have you thought of any idea what to do with him now? What to tell him?!"

A pause, Matt thought, I could see that much from the look on his face.

"Good question. Haven't you thought of anything? " Oh, helpful.

-"No."

"Fuck." Helpful again, good Matt.

"Yeah. Maybe we can just say that he took some medication and acted strange afterwords? "

Matt looked at me a little worried. " For what?"

"Because.. he got beaten up?" I asked, smirk on my lips. We could arrange that much.

"Oh, I believe he will in fact need some painkillers," Matt said, even more worried expression now.

"Why?"

"Chill out and better don't turn around, Mello."

I turned around. Fuck. Fuck you, Near. The little albino lay on my bed, sleeping. Empty chocolate bar in his hands. Damn, this was my fucking chocolate. It was my bed as well. We had turned his back on him for only three or four minutes. How the hell did he manage to fall asleep that fast? This white, small creature named Near looked quite strange on my black bed sheets.

Calm down, calm down. I stayed calm.

"Matt, he ate my chocolate," I pouted. Nobody should ever do this, I needed to stay calm.

"Well, at least.. you've got someone to cuddle tonight as it appears,Mels. Come on, doesn't he look cute?" Matt laughed.

Matt received the deadliest glare of mine and his laughing immediately stopped. I smacked him in the chest. Not that hard, just a little. Out of frustration. He whined.

"Oh god, Matt, you gay?" I asked jokingly and suppressed my laughter. Near did in fact look cute. I would never admit that. Not to anybody, not even myself. And just looking cute was a big difference from being cute anyways, I decided.

"You're kind of staring at him." All of a sudden, his voice wasn't sounding that funny anymore, I wondered why. Then I realized what I had just heard. Had I stared at him? No, why should I do that?

"Fuck you, Matt. I. Was. Not. Fucking. Staring. at. Near." I emphasized every word and tried to sound certain of what I said, but sadly, I sensed that I failed. I could feel a blush creeping on my face. Damn this.

"Calm down, it's okay. That's just natural. You don't have to be shy about it." He started laughing again and right now, I was quite angry. I hated it when people mocked me. That was my job and also, none of what he said had been true.

I clenched my fists. Why did Near have to eat my chocolate? And.. Why hadn't I killed him for that already? Confusing.

"Before you harass him while sleeping, let's play GTA, we have to wait until he awakes, anyways.

I tried to ignore the first part of the sentence and agreed. I wondered what Near would have to say later. Not that I cared.


	6. Explanation

**Hey,hey. Finally I updated again, sorry for being so late, but I was quite sick and I've been so busy on the weekend and oh god oh god, just sorry. ;o  
**

**Anyways, here's the new chapter, hope you all like it. **

**Have fun reading and feel free to review, as always. :3**

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"Fuck you Matt, you're cheating!"

I shifted uncomfortably,slowly awaking. I opened my eyes, just to close them again and cuddled up into the sheets of the soft bed. Same process as everyday, yet, my sleepy mind suddenly recognized that something was different. This wasn't my bed. And the noises in the background that had awakened me were those of Matt and Mello, screaming loudly while probably playing one of Matt's video games. Why exactly was I here ?

I opened my eyes again, to be greeted by the already expected sight. Matt and Mello did in fact sit in front of the TV, playing something and Mello cursing rather loudly while doing so. They did not seem to be aware that I was awake already. Even though their curtains weren't closed, it was quite dark outside. I wondered. Was it early in the morning or late evening? For how long had I been sleeping? And then again, why had I been sleeping here?

After stretching shortly I lazily sat up and leaned against the cool wall, twirling some of my hair out of habit. Not awaking where and how I usually did also meant that now, I'd have to act otherwise than usually until I'd get out of this situation. I wasn't used to this. To social interaction at all. I was more comfortable with being alone. However, right now I wasn't. I sighed quietly. To my surprise both, Matt and Mello, immediately turned around to look at me, questioning. The whole thing confused me, which was something that didn't happen often. But when with them, it didn't appear to be such a rare thing though. I could ask them what had happened, yet would they tell me the truth if I did? Most certainly not. There were not that many other possibilities though. I could just get out of the room and lock myself away. That might be the best. Maybe that could prevent me from getting into any more trouble.

Maybe it could have.

"Oh, Near. You're awake. Did you sleep well?" Matt addressed me, easily ignoring the fact that he might better first explain the whole situation. He grinned at me happily, obviously waiting for my answer. I nodded. "Well, that's good." Matt's greenish eyes then turned back to face the screen again. Mello still looked at me.

"Uhm, why exactly am I here?" I then asked quietly. I had already tried hard to remember what exactly had happened. I had failed. I knew that I went here with them after eating breakfast and that I sat here. I had talked to them. Yet, my memories seemed somewhat blurred and from some point on, they were simply not existing anymore, as if cut off. It was strange and I certainly never had experienced something like that before. For my brain used to work rather smoothly.

"What do you think why you're here?" Mello asked somewhat challenging. He wore his typical smile, the one he usually showed when punching me. Or others, for that matter.

"Well, chances are I simply fell asleep after you two invited me over. But that doesn't explain my lack of memory," I explained, voice as monotone as always. Mello grinned at me. "Well yeah, that's it basically. You mentioned something about not feeling well and then you took a headache pill. Then you fell asleep on _my _bed. " His grin faded. I looked at the bed I was sitting upon. Mello's bed? Why had he let me sleep in here? He hadn't kicked me out? Strange. Then again, me being in their room for some not understandable reason was strange as well.

"And why didn't Mello wake me up or kick me out of his bed?" I wouldn't have minded at all, I knew that he couldn't stand me. Why would you be nice to someone like me? Someone you despised. And why exactly would Mello be nice anyway? The whole thing didn't make sense. Nothing made.

As I questioned him this, however, you could actually see the smirk fading away and being replaced with pure anger. He glared at me. For a moment I expected him to not even answer. But he did. " Because I didn't want to fucking touch you, freak." Okay, so he had a reason. Freak. I was a freak. I remembered that earlier, he had told me about this,too. I wondered. Had I actually asked Mello why he doesn't like me? Oh, god. Strange that he hadn't killed me yet. I seemed to become less violent,anyway, I noticed. He was almost acting nice. Or at least a lot nicer than usually.

"Okay, I understand," I spoke calmly. Mello looked at me. So did Matt.

"You two are fighting like some old ass couple, you know?" Matt laughed. Mello glared at him.

"Near and I are not a fucking couple, Matt. Shut up." He hissed. I was confused, they confused me. "Matt, that was illogical, Mello and I are both males, so we can hardly act like an old couple," I explained. Even if I mostly preferred staying quiet, sometimes I would speak up if I had a problem with what had been said. Like when it didn't make sense. I eyed them, sitting opposite me in the room, expecting an answer from either of the two.

But instead of saying something, Matt and for some strange reason, even Mello began to laugh rather loudly now. What was so funny? Not that I really ever laughed anyway, but I still wanted to know.

I looked at them, confused.

"Near, that was a joke, wasn't it? Or are you really being that naïve? I mean, come on," Matt then asked, still grinning but having stopped laughing now. I didn't get it.

"I do not joke and I don't understand why you're laughing," I answered his confusing question. He paused the game and turned around on his swivel chair. Mello, sitting on the bottom, turned around as well. "Near, you don't really think that only a boy and a girl can be a couple?"

Okay now. What kind of a question was this? Was he mocking me? It was quite obvious that a couple consisted of a boy and a girl. What people considered love was just a biological process after all.

I nodded. "I don't see any reason to think of it otherwise," I answered honestly.

"Well, Near but that isn't true. You know, if two guys or two girls love each other, they can be a couple as well. You didn't know about that? It's not that uncommon these days, actually," Matt explained, looking somewhat uncomfortable talking about this. I found this strange. Why would two guys or girls have a relationship, it was of no use for them, was it?

"I don't understand. The main part of a relationship is that they talk and spend time together, but this is considered friendship. A couple does have physical contact, but this doesn't work if both are the same gender," I informed Matt and Mello, simply stating the facts I knew about things like relationships. I didn't know much about that at all, it wasn't that easy to understand by reading books about it.

At this, Mello and Matt both suddenly stared at the floor, none of them looking at me directly. It appeared they didn't like this situation at all. Even their cheeks seemed to be a bit of a red color, I noticed.

"Well, I don't think I'm the right one to talk to about this." Matt stood up. "But Mello maybe wants to explain it to you, have fun, Mels." With that, he went to the door, smiled at us shortly and then left me and Mello alone in their room. Mello just mumbled something along the line " Fuck you Matt." And then looked at me, suddenly smirking. "So you do actually not know about that?" He asked, smirk growing bigger. I shook my head. "No, I don't ." He looked at me, still smirking and ice blue eyes locked with my gray ones. I felt the urge to look down, uncomfortable with knowing less than he did.

"Well, okay then. Close your eyes, Near."

What? Why would he want me to close my eyes? I had a slight idea, yet I refused to think of something like that. "Why?" I asked, sounding almost a little insecure.

"Well, just shut up and do what I tell you to." As expected. But I was aware of the fact that fighting with Mello wasn't a good thing to do and I would probably be the one losing anyway. So I just complied and nodded shortly before closing my eyes. I heard steps getting closer to me. What was he about to do? Just when I was about to open my eyes to protest, I felt his hands pushing me, causing me to fall backwards on the bed.

I was just glad my head hadn't hit the wall close by.

But as soon as I had begun to assume that this was all, I felt Mello leaning over me, his hands pressing mine down to the mattress. What was he doing? Why didn't I have a problem with it? This was way too much touch actually. I didn't say anything though and just shyly opened my eyes, only to look right into Mello's blue ones. He still smirked as he all of a sudden leaned closer to me. I could feel his breath on my skin and then, our lips touched. For some reason I felt the urge to close my eyes. I gave into it. Not only closing me eyes, but the kiss, as well. I had never felt this before, I had a hard time with feelings, anyway, but this was so different. After a few moments of him kissing my lips and me being unable to move due to the shock, he suddenly bit my lower lip hard. I moaned, out of pain. I could taste some blood in my mouth and it was just then that I realized that Mello's tongue had made it's way into my mouth.

I didn't know what to do, I felt vulnerable. I had never kissed somebody before and here I was, kissing Mello out of all persons on earth.

As he licked my tongue with his, I decided to respond by doing something alike. I softly kissed him back and was shocked when I heard myself moaning quietly while doing so. I felt my cheeks heat up. Slowly, we began to kiss with somewhat of a rhythm and Mello then pulled away, leaving my mouth cold and alone. Had I actually enjoyed that? I blushed even more when I noticed him staring at me and looked down.

"What was that for?" I asked, voice so quiet that it was barely audible. He smirked, again for the umpteenth time this evening.

"I thought it would work better than explaining it to you, idiot," he said, not sounding as pissed as usual. I looked up at him. Even when sitting, I felt small being right next to him. I had known that two guys were able to kiss, but I wouldn't explain what exactly I had been referring to earlier.

As if being able to read my mind, he smirked and said, " still not enough information?"

I looked down, feeling shy. No, no, no. This was too much, most of all, I couldn't just say 'no', now could I?

"Uhm, I.." I didn't know how to explain it. I was beyond confused and felt somewhat embarrassed. I couldn't quite imagine what he would do, still I could only think of it as something that I would be embarrassed about. I never was, actually, why did Mello make me? And why had he kissed me if he, just a few minutes before, had told me about not wanting to touch me?

"Mello. You said you don't want to touch me, why are you suddenly being so different?"

I felt silly saying this, but it was a question I couldn't find an answer for so easily. And even though Mello would probably react with anger, as he always did when asked something to personal from me, there was an off chance, he wouldn't.

He looked at me sternly and for a moment, I expected him to either slap me or yell something about how worthless I was, yet he did none of that.

"I needed to explain it to you, so I had to touch you. That's all."

He blinked, seemingly surprised with his own words. So was I.

The whole thing was a bit too much for me to understand and I decided I'd better be off in my room, alone, right now.

"Mello, I think I'm going to my room," I informed Mello, who still somewhat leaned over me. He then left my hands go, giving me the opportunity to sit up.

"Okay, freak," he murmured quietly, wanting me to hear it anyway. I stood up and went through the rather small room, to the door. I opened it and before going looked at Mello, mouthing a goodbye.

"Good night," I said and left.

As I went though the hallways quietly, I wondered about what had happened. That Mello had kissed me still got me shocked. But also the fact that I didn't remember everything that had happened before. I wasn't likely to forget anything, my brain was almost a photographic one. But I didn't remember what had been going on then. Mello had kissed me. I still didn't seem to get it.

As I walked along the big hallways, a sudden noise caught my attention. "Hey,albino."

I turned around. Some of the older boys stood in front of me, looking pretty much angry for reasons unknown to me. I instantly knew that this wouldn't end well. It never did. I didn't particularly mind though. I just stood there quietly, looking at them, wearing my usual facial expression. What could I have said anyway? The outcome would be the same, or maybe even worse, so it was, as so often, the best idea to just stay calm instead of talking.

"Well, you know, you better answer when you're talking to someone who is older than you. Do you _understand?_" I understood quiet well, I had just read a book about this kind of behavior not so long ago. Insecurity hidden by showing strength against weaker ones. That was just too obvious, but it was always interesting to find reasons for the way people behave and I found it rather fascinating that almost everything a person does could be explained that way.

They got closer to me, my face and body remained unmoving as they did. It wasn't just that I didn't show fear of pain, I didn't fear it at all. And soon, one of the boys, a blond, stood right in front of me. "You do think you're better than anyone else, don't you?" I didn't, but people inclined to see it that way.

His fist collided with my torso soon after. I curled up due to the pain I felt when being hit on almost the same spot, once again. I looked at them. I barely knew these guys, yet, they seemed to be rather happy when seeing me, some random stranger to them, in pain.

I probably wasn't a random stranger to them. I knew that. The other kids knew that I was number one in order to become L's successor. And they didn't like it. So instead of learning and trying to get better themselves, they'd just beat me up. I understood it for some reason. I didn't particularly mind being beaten up, or pain. And yet, when again, a fist of them hit me, I felt myself getting somewhat weak. A side effect of my somewhat underdeveloped body. I was likely to be hurt. Not only be hurt, but pass out easily, as well.

When one of them hit me in the face especially hard, that was when I fell down and had problems thinking straightly. If they'd continue that way, maybe at some point I would die. Would be good, wouldn't it? I didn't know anymore. Just as I began imagining my own death, I noticed the boys looking at something I couldn't quite make out. I had some problems with moving my head.

"Leave Near the fuck alone", a voice stated.

A rather familiar voice.


	7. Surreal

**Hey, hey (: **

**So yeah, I finally got my lazy ass up and wrote a new chapter. Hopefully it's alright. :3 **

**However, that you're reading this author's note (haha, reminds me of death note *insane laugh*) is a sign that you're actually reading my story and that means; A big fucking thank you to all of you, I love you. Seriously. **

**Hah, spring is coming here in Germany and I feel like writing about love. And kissing. And other stuff. But in later chapters. ;b **

**However, hope you enjoy and if you don't or you want me to update faster and stuff, just review and say so. **

* * *

Right now, I was officially stunned. Mello helping me?! Mello helping me. Mello. The name that had haunted me for the last two days. Or three? Maybe even a bit longer. I didn't know right now and it felt as if my brain wouldn't be able to work properly for a little longer, so I didn't care actually. However, I was glad. Having blood dropping down my head felt warm. And I didn't even have to think, for once, my mind shut up and I just watched the whole thing happening next to me. Nice. Calm.

"Fuck you, sick bastards! What the hell do you think you are _fucking_ doing?"

Even though I had trouble concentrating on what happened, I could clearly tell that Mello was about to freak out, simply from the tone of his voice. And if Mello freaked out it was, to say the least, a bit of an explosion.

"Why do you even care? It's none of your damn business if we beat the albino freak up," one of the boys, a black haired one, hissed.

He shouldn't have done so. I knew that much and I wondered how somebody couldn't know. Was somebody as dumb as that even supposed to be here at Wammy's? Probably not.

He didn't have to wait long for the reaction. After that, Mello came closer to the boy, just to scream directly at his face, it appeared. What exactly Mello screamed surprised me,though. "It is my fucking business if you hurt him. Dare you ever touch him again and I'll kill you!" To emphasize this, a punch was delivered. The other boy instantly curled up and hugged his own stomach, making a face of pure pain. I didn't have a problem with that, he deserved it. Didn't he? Surely he did.

At this, the other boys tensed, not knowing what to do now. The one who got punched by Mello then complained loudly, "What the hell's wrong with you?! You're beating up anybody you want to, as well. Especially that idiot. Fuck you, seriously."

"You want me to repeat what I just said? Get the fuck away, NOW!" Mello screamed, his voice dark and threatening. I looked at him. Why would he stop them when beating me? Why had he kissed me? What did that mean? Was he trying to make friends with me? Or what was this considered? A sharp pain shot trough my head and I regretted even trying to think.

After a short moment of hesitation, all of them backed away and then, slowly and angrily walked away, leaving me and Mello all alone, cursing under their breath. Once again for today, it was just me and Mello. And as if that wasn't enough, he came closer to me, bending over me a little, without looking straightly at my eyes. I just then realized that he was looking at my bruises.

"Why?" was all that I could ask at the moment, sounding rather amused and interested instead of hurt. I just hoped he got my point. But how could he. There were like a thousand of questions in my head and right now, a simple 'why' seemed to be putting all of them together in one word, but maybe that wasn't enough for others to understand. He simply ignored my question and cracked a smile. "You're a fucking pussy, Near. Can't you even walk the hallways alone?"

I was, indeed, incapable of doing that, I realized. Unlike other human beings, I was too weak to defend myself if needed. And even if I could, I probably wouldn't, I simply didn't feel the need to be unharmed, to be safe. I simply didn't care enough. I wasn't worth that.

"No, I suppose I can not," I answered, honestly. I sighed, looking up to face him.

"However, now get the fuck up, or do you want to lay here all day?"

I shook my head slightly. " Uhm, Mello. I don't know if I'm able to -aah!" With that, I was lifted up rather harshly, but eventually standing, nevertheless. He held my wrists, helping my to not lose my balance. I was still a little weak on my legs, yet this way I was able to stand. Or so I thought. As soon as I tried to take a step to the side, I fell right into his arms. The blond stared at me, an unreadable look on his face. I looked up at him. And as if it wouldn't have been embarrassing enough already, I felt my cheeks heat up because of the sudden contact. Close contact, I literally clung on to him. That my mind instantly recalled the pictures of Mello kissing me earlier didn't help. I stared at the floor, trying to hide my face behind my bangs that had grown rather long within the last weeks,feeling his strong arms still holding me somewhat tightly. After a few moments, or maybe minutes, I realized what I was doing, namely laying in Mello's arms. I let go and stumbled a few inches away, this time without falling.

"You okay?" he asked, slightly worried look on his face.

"Yeah, It's just.. I'm alright." He eyed me in disbelief, the piercing gaze of his blue orbs capturing me yet again. I raised a hand slowly, starting to twirl a lock of my hair, surprised when my hair felt different than usually. Oh yeah, I had forgotten it. My hair was stained with blood that began drying by now.

"If you say so, then come on." After stating this, Mello turned around and started walking away.

I weakly hurried after him and, too slow to catch up with him, though. My legs were a lot shorter than his after all.

"Where are we going?"

"To your room." He seemed not to be really talkative today. Was Mello sick? No talking, no beating, but helping me and being nice.. probably he was. Why did I worry?

Without saying anything else, we walked trough the hallway, only passing a few other children who stared at us, surprised at seeing me and Mello walk together, but when noticing my wounds, decided that it wasn't that special. They thought that Mello had beaten me up, obviously.

When we finally reached my room, Mello looked at me questioningly, but then without asking just opened the door and got in. Usually there was nobody in my room but myself, and it felt strange having somebody here. But even more uncommon was that it actually _felt _strange. But maybe that was due to my injuries. Or maybe not, I wasn't that sure anymore.

Still having some problems with how weak my knees seemed to be, I just sat down on my bed as soon as I reached it, eying Mello who was wandering around in my room as if searching something.  
"What are you doing?" I quietly asked, half hoping he would hear me, half hoping he wouldn't, afraid that he'd get angry at me for some reason and then get away.

"Don't you have some disinfectant or something like that here?"

"Yes,I do. In the cup board over there,but.." I stopped there, afraid of saying something wrong. What if he didn't intend on disinfecting my wounds, but spraying it into my eyes or something? In that case telling him he didn't have to do that would be silly. So I just waited. Why did I even care that much?

Once he found it after ripping open all the drawers, he faced me again, then walked over and sat down next to me.

"Damn Near, doesn't that hurt? It's kind of worse than what I did to you before, I guess."

"It's alright, it doesn't hurt at all," I honestly answered, having him hesitating for a moment before answering, " If you say so. Still, it might be better if we disinfected it."

Without leaving me a chance to say something, he sternly demanded, "You'd better close your eyes."

So did I.

When I felt the cool substance being sprayed at my wounds, I tensed shortly, surprised at the sudden stinging pain. When I then opened my eyes, I stared right into Mello's. It was as if I could literally feel my cheeks blushing. Close, he was pretty close. As if becoming a habit, I once again looked down in an attempt to hide my face.

"Uhm are you alright?" He questioned.

I decided to answer with a question.

"Why is Mello doing this?"

He looked at me, wide eyed, still just a few inches away from me. "Doing what?"

"Being nice," I bluntly answered, still a little embarrassed by the whole situation, but I really wanted to know. To get an actual answer. Had that just sounded mean? As if he wasn't ever nice usually?  
Had I really just feared hurting Mello's feelings? I mean, if anything at all, he would hurt me. Physically. Not that anyone could ever hurt me otherwise. Maybe a little bit, maybe he would be able to manage that, as well. I didn't know. But I doubted that there was anything he wouldn't do.

He cracked a smile. "You don't want me to be?" He arched an eyebrow. Surprisingly he sounded rather suggesting, making me wonder what this was all about now. I really didn't know how to deal with relationships, why did this have to be so confusing? And what did that look in Mello's face mean?

Before I could ask myself further questions, I kind of had a realization. Not actually, and I didn't even know what I had just realized. Something was different. Damn, I confused myself.

And suddenly staring at Mello meant everything, anything else seemed uninteresting. Seemed wrong. Maybe there was just something wrong with me, or him, or the world. I could care less. I still stared.

And I kept on staring, half consciously. I felt my own lips curl into a smile. I rarely ever smiled.

Yet, I couldn't help but do right now. I had to smile. He made me.

Oh god, why?

After the short, or maybe longer moment where I assumed time had stopped, I noticed how he seemed to look somewhat questioning. Oh, yeah. He had said something. I was supposed to answer. Without thinking it trough I began speaking. What a mistake.

" I don't know.. I just, you're being so, it's just. I think I.. am confused by.." I stopped there, knowing that this wasn't going to become much of a logical sentence, if a sentence at all. The beating of my own heart seemed to be that loud, I feared he would hear it. And I knew if I said something I might say something wrong. Due to unknown reasons, my mind seemed troubled, after all.

I closed my eyes, turning my head away. Not enduring looking into his eyes any longer, I crossed my arms. I wasn't myself. I was embarrassing. Really embarrassing. Why had I just said that. Damn. No, just NO.

I hated myself.

And now I was losing my mind and I didn't even know why. And I wasn't who I had been just a few hours ago.  
This couldn't be healthy. And as if to support that, I could already feel my face changing it's color into a dark shade of pink again. I was a mess, and I knew that it was, for once, not my fault.  
It was Mello's, for sure.

Now that this was clarified, I couldn't do anything but wonder what was to come next.

This wasn't good as well, now was it? How I was the one not knowing anything about what's going on, simply being surprised by Mello's actions all the time. But I didn't particularly hate it.

"Near, what exactly are you doing?" He asked, sounding a bit amused. 'What exactly am I doing' I asked myself. Sadly, I got no answer.

Probably the way I sat here,looking like some small minded idiot was what he was talking about.

I slowly turned around, opening my eyes again, just to be fascinated with what I saw. Mello was beautiful, hadn't I ever noticed?

And why did I notice right now?

I took a deep breath, not even knowing what I was doing. And then, I finally did what I wanted to all day. Ever. Since I could remember. Since earlier that day. I didn't know anymore for how long, but right now, it just felt like the best thing that could be done.

And somehow, it felt like the only thing that I could do.

I was actually doing it, pressing my lips onto Mello's. Kissing the soft, warm flesh of his, just wanting to feel all of it. Just wanting to feel. Knowing that Mello made me feel something. The moment I feared he was too shocked or to disgusted by my actions to response, he did.

And to me, it felt like the whole world was being turned upside down, torn apart and then,exploding. In a good way, in the best way ever.

After a brief moment of softly moving our lips against each other's, Mello softly licked my lower lip, causing my to open my mouth so he could put his tongue in. Just like earlier, he was quick to take over leadership, not that I even tried to do so, and our tongues dancing in somewhat of a low rhythm before I noticed him placing his hand behind my head, pushing me even further into the kiss, the pace of our movements getting faster. Mello eagerly pulled me closer to himself, then suddenly pushing me down forcefully, leaning right over me and pulling away, leaving my lips alone and me desperate for another kiss.

He looked right into my eyes, his own sparkling with what I had never seen in them before. It wasn't anger, nor was in indifference. Just plain lust. And it made me nervous. If possible, my heart began thumping harder than before. He knelt over me, smirking.

"Near, what are you doing?" His question caught me off guard. What was I doing? Didn't he want to do that? What had I done?

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.. do that." I answered, almost too quietly for him to hear. Almost.

"You're an idiot, just how hard did you hurt your head?" He chuckled, something really unlikely to see Mello doing. I liked it, somewhat. "By the way.."

He interrupted his own speaking then, moving closer to me and almost giving me a heart attack when our torsos touched, his mouth once again finding mine. He kissed me shortly and softly on my lips and I could somewhat feel him smile while doing so. And then, just after what were around two seconds, he moved away again and I was disappointed at this. Why had he done that? Was he trying to torture me?

Probably I simply wasn't good enough for him. How could I be? There was no way he would actually want to kiss me. He interrupted my doubts.

"..You don't have to apologize after a kiss, you know that?" His smirk grew bigger.

I leaned up a little ob my elbows, feeling a little less vulnerable and not as small when doing so.

Just to be pushed down again. Instead of kissing me, Mello this time just held my face, looking straightly into my eyes. "You're cute, Near."

What a change. From 'I hate you' in the morning to 'You're cute' in the evening. I wasn't cute.

I blushed, tough. I didn't answer, I just took in the sight in front of me. Mello's somewhat lidded ice blue eyes, the mouth that fitted perfectly to his face and the soft strains of blond hair that fell down his into his face. It was scary how my whole view on him had changed. I stretched out one of my hands to twirl his hair, surprised as I felt how soft it felt. I could do that all day. Forever.

A sudden touch of Mello had my shivering, he was, all of a sudden, kissing downwards my jaw to my neck, slightly biting into the flesh. It felt incredible, yet I was insecure. Was this alright?  
"Mello, what are you doing?" I liked the way his name sounded. A lot.  
He quietly spoke into my neck, a tingling sensation making me shiver a little.

"Near, you really don't know anything about that, do you? Just let my do that, you'll like eventually for sure."

I simply accepted what he said and let him go on, lifting my head a little to let him have better access to my neck as he continued with his actions. The feeling of him kissing my neck was something entirely new to me and I enjoyed it. Not only was it new, but it felt special. As if this touch was so precious that I would be damned if I ever let him go pr stopped him. Then, suddenly he slightly bit down into my skin next to my collarbone, sucking on it shortly after, causing a high pitched mewl to exit my lips. I was shocked, had I really just mewled? Instead of thinking about that any further, I simply closed my eyes, shutting them tightly as I felt Mello kissing and occasionally biting my skin, some quiet whimpers escaping my lips.

I never knew that touches could actually feel good. Yet, this did. And for a few moments, that was all that was on my mind. Mello's mouth eagerly working on my neck.

But I couldn't simply lay here, letting Mello do everything to make me feel good. Could I? I didn't have any experience at this, neither did I have an idea what this would lead to, but it felt wrong to not do anything myself.

So when I softly pulled away, I felt Mello staring at me questioningly before I smiled and moved closer to him, copying his previous actions, after kissing him on the lips slightly. Yet, I knew I did it differently than he had. I wouldn't dare biting his skin, so I just gently kissed him, feeling my own movements getting faster after a few moments of hesitation. Before I could, once again kiss Mello, he playfully pushed me down, sighing quietly. "Damn, Near." His voice was a mix of surprise, excitement and somewhat amusement. And I liked the way it sounded. It appeared he liked what I had just done.

I smiled. Again.

So did he. Before he again, captured my lips with his, this time kissing my much more passionately than ever before. And in this very moment, I was nothing but a mess beneath him, moaning into the kiss. Slowly I felt his fingers moving downwards my body, I couldn't concentrate on what exactly he did, tough, preoccupied with kissing him back and trying not to faint due to the feeling. Feeling, yes. An actual feeling.

And then, suddenly, all of the buttons of my shirt were undone. And I could not react. I could not move. My heart skipped a beat and I began to panic. I couldn't show him my body. My arms were full of bruises and I was way too fat, anyway. I could not do that.

"Mello, no I can't," I panicked, my voice nervous and unsteady. I was actually afraid of how he would react. And I didn't even want to know. Cutting was something for me, my cuts were something private that no one would ever see. Never, I couldn't show. My breathing got so unsteady that I expected myself to hyperventilate, not even able to pay attention to anything Mello was doing anymore. I had, in fact, a little panic attack. It hadn't happened for longer now, though I knew that if it happened, that mostly meant problems. Big problems. As it had before I got here. I couldn't let that happen again. I had to calm down.

"Damn, Near! Stop being insane! Are you listening?!"

Mello had me in his arms, shaking my body harshly in order to make me notice anything. I did, finally.

"Near, should I get Roger or something? Fucking answer me!" He yelled even louder and I instantly feared that he would draw the attention of the others to us. What had he just said?

My breathing calmed down.

Roger? No. No!

"No, don't say anything to him. Please not. I'm alright," I pleaded, voice still nervous, but not as much as it had been before.

"Alright, just please breathe and try to not ever do whatever that was again! You just fucking scared me, idiot." His voice had somewhat of a threatening tone, but the fact that he had just admitted that he was worried about me, was all I could think of. My mind was really troubled. I knew that.

"It was just a bit of an asthmatic attack, I guess," I bluntly lied, already knowing that he would never believe it, I said it nevertheless. He looked into my eyes, still close to me, and I could tell from the look that he knew. Just as expected.

"Don't give me that shit, Near. You're lying, what the hell was wrong with you?"

"I don't know.. I just.. that was a little bit.. too much and too fast, I'm sorry."

And then, I once again felt like the dirtiest piece of garbage in the world. I hadn't wanted to do that. I hadn't wanted to disappoint him. In fact, there was not a thing I that could have been worse. And yet, I had.

"I'm sorry," I repeated, a little more desperate this time.

Mello eyed me, somewhat confused and somewhat worried.

"It's alright, I mean, c'mon, no problem. But.. you're okay now?" He asked with a voice sounding so caring and worried that it hardly seemed to be Mello's.

I cracked a smile at him. "Yeah, I'm alright." To prevent him from asking further questions and put an end to this topic, I quickly leaned forward, kissing him softly before entering his mouth with my tongue. After a moment of surprise and hesitation, he answered just as eagerly as before and I was relieved that I could, once again, just concentrate on the feeling of having him so close to me. Each time he would touch me, it seemed so special, as if I wouldn't actually deserve it. I was happy about how it was right now, the whole situation was just so surreal, but if this was surreal, I preferred this, instead of reality.

Our tongues still moved in a steady, fast rhythm, and all I wanted was to feel his taste forever, it was addicting and I couldn't ever stop tasting it. Never.

Probably my head had gotten hurt bad, for real.

As always when our lips parted, I felt a wave of disappointment rush trough my whole body.

"I think I'd better go sleeping now," I declared while carefully buttoning my shirt up again.

"Yeah, you'd better do that. You look pretty tired."

Now that he said it, I noticed, that I was, in fact, unbelievably tired. Well, I wasn't used to days as eventful as this. And today, there had been really much happening, so how could I not be tired?

"Will we do that again?" I asked quietly, fearing the answer could be a 'No'.

"Well, if you want to." Mello smirked.  
"Yes, yes please. I mean, yes." I had never talked like this, and my cheeks blushed once more. Why did I have to be that nervous? Why couldn't I just speak normally?

"Well, then. Good night, little idiot." He smiled and placed a soft kiss on my forehead before getting up and leaving.

When he was gone already, I quietly whispered to myself, "Good night, Mello."

That night, I fell asleep easily and without cutting or thinking at all, for that matter. Yet, I had some dreams involving me and Mello that would cause a new problem to find a solution for, once I got up in the morning.


	8. Problems

**Soo, finally, here it is, another chapter. I'm sorry, I've just been so busy, it appears the teachers are all like 'torturing pupils is so much fun *evil laugh* and then, I felt as if I needed to do some more exercise, because I hope for the summer to come soon. Or at least, to just come. Pleeease. And also, I had to learn japanese and I've got a new horse sharing and yeah, enough reasons, I guess.**

**Soo, finally some *insert coughing here* smut. Or not really. Maybe a bit. Whatever, enjoy.**

**ah, yeah. And this time there are two different points of view. And Mello might seem a little crazy and Near a little naughty. Oh, sick and twisted mind of mine. **:3_  
_

goodfences: I'm really happy you like it and thanks for reviewing, I really appreciate it. Mhh, it'll take some time, but not too long, I guess.

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**Chapter 8: Problems  
**

Matt's POV:

Darkness surrounded me as I entered the building. Wammy's, home sweet home. Everybody else who called this his home, was already asleep. But I would always have to go out smoking. Not that I actually always did. Roger had long since given up on trying to make me quit smoking. Today I went outside, though because he had caught me smoking in one of the rooms where other kids played and 'this kind of behavior doesn't only damage your health, but the health of the younger kids, as well'. However, basically he had threatened me that I wouldn't be allowed to play any games for a whole week, if that would happen again. That was why I was out this late at night. I yawned. Somewhat tired and somewhat high, I made my way through the corridors, easily ignoring everything that didn't concern the one thing I craved the most right now. My bed. Oh, bed; Love of my life.

I would just have to lay down and then, play a quick round of Pokémon before falling asleep. Then this day would be over with. But it was never this easy, now was it? Before pulling open the door to our room, I stopped, the thought of what I had done earlier rushing trough my brain. Well, not exactly rushing, that might be a little exaggerated. Normal pace, let's just call it that. Didn't matter anyway. For now, I would probably have to expect an angry Mello.

But in all honesty, it had been worth it. It really had. The look on Mello's face when I told him to teach Near the facts of life, or something along that line, it had been priceless. I wondered how exactly he would have done that, or if Near might be in a hospital right now. Because as much as I knew, and I knew a lot, Mello didn't like feeling helpless, or embarrassed. It made him angry. But it was Mello, so what exactly didn't make him angry? Now, I'd find out what happened, if I wanted to or I didn't.

'_On the off chance that he is sleeping, I might get out of it alive, until tomorrow,' _I thought, feeling a bit of hope.

I entered the room, surprised as I saw that the light was actually turned off. At the first view, it seemed as though Mello was sleeping. However, as soon as I got closer to my bed, I could already suspect something was up.

Alcohol. Mello had been drinking? Why, beside the fact that he was an alcoholic? He wasn't for real, of course not. Yet, I still called him by that name sometimes. In Wammy's, as in every place where a lot of young people were, it was quite easy to get something to drink. I wasn't entirely sure if Roger knew or not. He had never talked to us about it. Maybe he did know but didn't think of it as something all too bad. But it was Roger, the one who might didn't always look like it, but was concerned about everybody here. So he probably didn't know.

But right now, there was another thing that caught my attention. Insecure whether it was an hallucination due to the lack of sleep I obviously had, or an actual voice, I just reacted when I heard it once again. "Maaaatyy", Mello whined, sounding like some little child screaming for a lolly and now I had another thing to question myself; why did he sit in here in the darkness if he wasn't sleeping? What was up with him? '_ You might better just ask,' _my mind suggested and I complied.

"Mello, what's wrong with you?" I asked, just a bit, but still an obvious level of amusement to be heard in my voice. The whole scene was just awkward, to say the least. I stared into nothing in particular, the room too dark to see anything, expecting an answer. None came.

I tiredly moved up from my bed, switching on the light and not knowing how to react as I saw what Mello was doing. Curled up into sheets, he sat there with a big bowl of chocolate ice cream he had either stolen or he might had made a deal with one of the lunch ladies. Who knows? Next to him, there stood a bottle of vodka. Empty. I blinked, confused.

At all, he looked slightly absentminded. Or maybe a little more that slightly, heavily.

"Mello, what's up?" I tried again, voice sounding little stricter this time. Or at least, I tried to make it

sound that way so he would finally come up with an answer. I felt like a mother, which was somewhat ironic, given the fact that I actually never had one, but I expected this to be the kind of behavior that a mother would have. Blue orbs turned towards me, hidden behind the unusually messy hair. Normally, Mello's hair would always be combed and look soft. This evening, it didn't.

The look in his face could be described as a mixture of anger, despair and annoyance.

"Sooo?!" I reminded him, just hoping that I wouldn't have worm all the facts out of him.

Burying his face in both hands, he mumbled something into his hands which I couldn't quite recognize as a sentence.

"What?"

The hands were removed and this time, the words were screamed. "FUCK! Fuck you Matt, I kissed Near."

Awkward.

Slowly, the words sank in. Mello had just said 'I kissed Near.'  
Kiss, like somebody you like. Mello had actually done that? I had surely suspected that there might be something behind all the 'hatred' for Near a few times when he was all too pissed, but that?! So suddenly. Words failed me for a moment and I could do nothing but staring at Mello wide-eyed, who just turned around to flee from my gaze.

"You _what_?" I asked him to actually confirm it. To me, himself, the world, whatever. I just had to know that he actually wasn't just mocking me or drunk as shit and talking nonsense.

"Damn, Matt. You understood me. How the hell could I do that?!"

I was surprised that he was even telling me, indeed. But more than that, I was stumped by his question. How in the world could I tell him why he had, as it appeared, kissed Near?! Well, that much about his plan. Probably he had actually just wanted to spend some time with Near, hadn't he? I didn't even have time to judge this any further yet. My brain was working way too hard, it was a little too late to come up with the whole story on my own.

"You tell me. Whole story, please," I knew it wouldn't be that easy. It never was with Mello.

"There's no story, I just kissed him, is all," by now, he sounded rather annoyed.

As I said, not easy. I sighed. This wasn't going anywhere.

"Then why are you going insane right now? Look at you, damn. And what did he say, or do? Don't tell me you raped him, Mello, you know that is not funny at all, if you did that, I.. " I spoke in a fast pace when the thought of Mello raping him crossed my mind. Would that explain his mood? But no, I couldn't believe that. I wouldn't. I shouldn't haven spoken that out. He interrupted me.

"Shut _the fuck _up! I would never do that to him!" A deadly glare was sent at me and I wondered; Quick change of the attitude towards Near, wasn't it? It somewhat reminded me of a pregnant woman. All 'I want him dead' and then, 'I love him', the other second.  
'_Don't speak out that he behaves like a woman. Now, concentrate. Listen,'_ I gave myself mental orders.

"So then?" Again, I tried.

"What then?"

"He wanted to kiss you as well? I mean, if you didn't force him, that's the basic conclusion."  
I just hoped his drunk mind would be able to understand what I was asking him. Namely, the question was; what was going to happen now? Of course that wasn't my business, actually. But this was one of the plights a mother, me, had. Taking care of everything. Everyone.

It didn't happen often, maybe never. But at this, I could see how words basically failed Mello. Mello, the one who would always know what to say, who would always have something to answer, even if there wasn't any question.

But that's exactly what happened. He really was a mess.

After a few seconds, when he seemed to be thinking trough what I had just said, damp pieces of information sinking into his alcohol-soaked brain, he answered, voice not as strong as usually, sounding a bit shaky instead, " I-I don't know."

A brief pause followed. Confused eyes looking at me, partially hidden behind light blond bangs.

"I mean, he did kiss me, but then all of a sudden he just got all.. I don't know. It was strange, I mean, it was as if he was about to collapse." He frowned, thoughtful look on his face.

I was a little confused. So, Near had collapsed, or hadn't he? I had certainly never heard of somebody collapsing because of a kiss. What exactly had they been doing again?

"Uhm, Mello. What do you define as a kiss?" I asked, expecting the worst, because I knew Mello quite well.

"Oh shut up, it's not like I fucked him, or stuff. God, I'm not gay."

I laughed, quietly, but still loud enough for him to hear it and glare at me.  
In all honesty, as good as everybody who would see Mello, would have the same first impression. Tight black leather clothing, a haircut, a woman could wear, as well and facial expressions that would be much more likely to be seen on a woman's face. Also, he was quite aggressive. Definitely something, he and women had in common.

However, the pure idea of somebody telling you he kissed a boy and then saying 'god I'm not gay', was silly.

"Matt, I honestly am not!" Mello defended himself, seemingly freaking out at the pure thought.

"Okay,good. So then, why did you kiss him? Let me guess, it's true love, isn't it?" I smirked, aware of the fact that this would upset him even more.

I liked upsetting people.

However, after shoveling yet another spoon full of ice cream into his mouth, he just looked at me, face blank. Seeing Mello's face blank was almost a little more frightening than his angriest glare.

"Don't you even joke about that." Each word was emphasized, each word was full of anger.

Again, I noticed how this conversation wasn't going anywhere and it was then, that I decided to just go to sleep and discuss things later. For I surely would remember what he had told me this evening. But given that Mello seemed to be really drunk, he probably wouldn't.

"Mels, I'm going to sleep now. You can either just keep on sitting there in the darkness, or sleep as well, tomorrow we have school, monday. However, you should brush your teeth, not brushing your teeth after eating a big bowl of ice damages them,you know?" I laughed, remembering how one of the old staff members had always told us that as if we were small children. She had died in a car accident a few weeks ago. I shrugged it off, it was not like we had much of an emotional connection the anybody here. Even if it didn't appear that way, Wammy's was, except a few persons, full of people who would always want you to fail.

Here, secretly or not so secretly, everybody had the same goal and would do a lot to accomplish it. Not that there was much violence, but everyone was greedy and the most would easily betray you, once you turned their back towards them. That was why Mello's and mine friendship was somewhat special. To me, at least.

The most people here might be running around in groups all the time, but we trusted each other and had been friends ever since Mello arrived here. 7 years ago. Which was why the whole Near thing did concern me a little.

However, I would sleep now, discussion tomorrow. As Mello went to the bathroom, strangely complying to what I said, for once, I fell on my bed and even before I had time to get my Game Boy, or even think about it, for that matter, I fell asleep.

Near's POV:

I was not entirely sure what had been a dream and what hadn't. I could only guess, but even what I figured out then, didn't seem too logical. Had yesterday just been a dream? I was confused, life confused me. I was a mess.

Not even fully awaken, these were the thoughts that rushed through my mind and I shifted, uncomfortably. Had Mello kissed me? Or, worse, had I kissed Mello? Wait, stop, worse? Was it something bad? That I didn't know an answer to this made it even more complicated.

I buried my head under my white, soft pillow. It was filled with foam, I was allergic to feathers. Not quite allergic maybe, but back to when I had one, I had trouble breathing. So I had gotten another one a few months ago.

_'Stop trying to distract yourself',_ I scolded myself.

But I didn't want to stop. I didn't want to face what had happened, for I knew one thing pretty well already; It meant change, trouble. I still remembered that yesterday, it was as if I had actually felt something, once in a while. And in the aftermath, it did make me nervous. Not the usual kind of nervous, that was explained in books, meaning sweaty hands and being a bit stressed out.

For me, change meant that everything would fall into pieces. Everything that I had been relying on would end. I didn't want that, but on the other hand it hadn't felt bad, had it? Was there even something I could lose?

I wanted to stay in my bed. All day, then for the next night, maybe crawl out of my sheets to get my razor blade, once in a while. That was what life meant, daily trouble, passing each day and getting out of daily life alive, just to end up dead.

And I knew this kind of thinking wasn't good. I knew it would affect my ability, my doings and even limit my intelligence to some point. But maybe I was the only one who noticed that, even thought about that. Nobody knew. Nobody cared. I still was number one, I should be fond of that, why wasn't I? I saw no reason to do. It didn't matter, I didn't care. Easy as that.

And I wanted nobody to care, not even.. Mello. For some reason, he was the very last person I wanted to know about it, about me. My existence. My life.

There were different kinds of stories, some were interesting, involving characters that you would like, and then, there were these stories, these lives, that shouldn't be talked about, that didn't matter. Mine was one of the latter.

Mello, I didn't want him to get to know about my problems, were there even problems? No, none. And presumably, he didn't want to know anything about my not-problems, either. Maybe he had been drunk yesterday. Or sick. This must be the explanation, the reason why he had done it. Kissing me, or kissing me back. Or he was making fun of me. And either way, he was not to blame, I had done that and it was my fault. As always.

Given my high IQ level, I was really dumb, actually.

I didn't even find a solution for this problem, everybody was able to manage these kind of things, but I wasn't. I was a failure. All the way and completely.

Mello would never care and I knew that much. But he had kissed me.

I sat up. It was then, that a sharp pain coursing through my body, interrupted my thoughts. Pain, it hurt. It felt strange.

My tummy hurt and I didn't know why. What happened? Was I dying?  
Probably not, that would have been too much of a lucky coincidence, just dying when you have trouble with something.

As I instinctively curled up into my usual sitting form, hoping for it to somewhat soothe the pain, I shrieked. For, what actually hurt, was my crotch, not exactly my tummy.  
Did I..? Yes, it appeared I did, in fact have an erection.

I had read about this, a month ago, in an old biology book in the library. Yet, reading about something and experiencing it, these were two entirely different things, I decided now.

What was I supposed to do about it? It did hurt, it really did, and there was no chance I could go to the class like that.

20 minutes left, no plan what to do.

I did have a slight idea, for I had once heard a few of the older boys talking about how they would jerk off together, meaning they would touch themselves. I would have never thought, that I'd be in a situation where I'd have to do that.

And I already doubted that it would work. Why would you do that? On the other hand, I didn't have another chance. I'd have to go trough with this.

Insecurely about what I would actually be doing, my hands slowly reached the waistband of my shorts and pulled them down, releasing my aroused dick.

I felt silly, not knowing what to do.

Nevertheless, I stretched my right hand out, while slightly shifting in my position, until it reached the soft skin close to my dick. Sliding it all the way up to reach the top of it, suddenly I realized that it didn't, as expected, feel awkward or strange. It just felt.. nice.

My fingers grasped my member and I started slightly moving my hands up and down, quiet moans leaving my lips with each stroke. As if having their own free will, my hips started moving slightly as I started to squeeze my dick harder, noticing how it only gets better with each fast movement.

I felt my own breath getting faster and faster, not even noticing the slight noises my bed made while I was fucking myself rather hardly, anymore.

It felt unbelievably good, as I had never experienced such a thing as pleasure before and craving for more of this, I clench my fist around the slightly wet top of my dick, rubbing it hardly as I nearly faint from how intensive this feeling actually is.

I yearn for more. And without a warning, yesterday, Mello, kissing him, it all came into my mind.

Now, the new feeling was thoroughly new, not just the pleasure I had felt before, but something way more intense.

I bit my lip hard in an attempt to not scream too loud, but in the end, it only helped a bit.

For with one last hard stroke, I finally came, hearing myself quietly moan "oh good, Mellooo" as if being somewhere far away. The words only came out as a whimper.

Empty. It felt as if there was not a single one of the sorrows from earlier left inside me, neither was I nervous or doubtful.

I just lay there, breathing still uneven and loud, as reality slowly sinks into my mind, once again. I quickly take one of the tissues out of my nightstand, in order to was away the cum that was now, soaking my legs and my stomach.

I really was a mess, and for once, I didn't even feel regret.

Having cleaned myself, I looked into the small mirror on the wall. That was me, messy hair, cheeks painted in a dark shade of red and clothes wrinkled, not even wearing my shorts. My lip was bloody from all the biting and I could taste the usual iron taste, blood just had to it. I looked like some prostitute, a slut. Still no regret. For it had felt amazing.

"Knock, knock." Two loud knocks informed me that there was somebody at my door.

Oh, wait. There was somebody at my door. In a split second I had my shorts pulled up again. I hadn't even known that I was able to move that fast. Yet, I was grateful for it.  
For a second later, Mello entered, as usually not even awaiting an answer before coming in.

"Near, I thought.." he quickly spoke, then raising his head from his look at the floor, he stopped. He looked right into my eyes and I just wished I could stare into his forever. I couldn't.

I didn't even want, I didn't care. Indifference, remember?

Then, I finally understood, my mind recalled the picture from the mirror. I did look like I had just had sex. With myself, that is. Still, it did look like it, which wasn't good.

Mello didn't say a word, just staring at me, eyes wide open in surprise.

At least, I had managed to surprise him. What to say? What do do? How to act now? Had he even noticed anything, was it that obvious? Why didn't he say anything? And why couldn't I manage to not care?

I didn't know, I wished I would just drop dead.


	9. Best kind of mess

Hey & first of all; sorry for the late update. Feel free to hate me, I understand, believe me. There has just been a little too much life and not enough time. Also, I had a hard time not making the writing seem too depressed and idk. I hope you like it anyways, I'm gonna update again, soon, with some more action.

And, thanks for the reviews! So nice of you that you take the time to comment on it. ❤

Enjoy!

& disclaimer: I don't own anything. Poor me.

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**Chapter 9: The best kind of mess**

Mello's POV:

I felt my own heartbeat. Faster, faster, faster. I clenched my fists until they shook slightly, annoyed by my head. Annoyed by myself. Because my head hurt like hell and I, well yeah, I had obviously been drinking too much. But that wasn't the only reason I was angry at myself. More than that, it was the fact that I annoyed myself with my own insecurity. I was never insecure, I was me.

I was currently standing in front of Near's door, mind busy searching for excuses for running away like a little girl. Near's room, the room where only one child lived in. A small sign reading number '7' confirmed that this was the right room. I knew the number because I'd sometimes come here to either take away things from Near or hurt him when he had managed to piss me off. Which didn't happen too rarely. But why had I even thought of coming here today? Why did I do things like that? Why? Why hadn't Near been there at breakfast. Ouch, my head.

I heard some noise from inside the room. Deciding that if I stood here for much longer, I'd probably really turn around and run away, I took a moment to take a breath and then, just knocked. And the volume of my heartbeats was turned up yet again. Damn, I probably wouldn't even hear him answering, my heart was just too loud and the sound echoed in my head.

What the fuck had happened over the night? Why was I suddenly yearning to see Near? Why did he have to kiss me and why did I have to like it? Okay, I hadn't, I assured myself. This was just a new game to play, a new challenge. I would win, wouldn't I?

Too many questions and not one answer. My head really did hurt.

Was it a good idea to ask him to go to classes together? Would he say no? Or yes? Fuck it, if I asked him to, he would comply. Easy as that. Why was there no answer? Maybe he was currently changing. Maybe Near just came back from showering. Dressed only in a towel.

'_Okay, two seconds of waiting must definitely be enough,' _I assured myself and ripped the door open, storming into the room, hurrying to ask if he'd come with me before I would forget how to form a correct sentence and just jump him like some wild animal instead. While walking, I already started speaking, hoping for it to seem as if I had just casually decided to ask Near to come and hadn't stood outside his door for a few minutes just planning on what to say.

"Near, I thought.." Looking up, my words trailed away and I just looked at him for a moment. I could've sworn that the time stood still for like a few hours, looking into each other's eyes. Just him and me and.. oh god, I started to scare myself with my thoughts. Quickly pushing them away, the fog in my mind cleared slowly and my eyes widened. Near. He lay in his bed. Not only that this itself was strange, for we had only a few minutes left and he usually seemed to be a perfectionist when it was about times, numbers or anything; what bothered me more was what he looked like.

Usually pale skin was painted in a dark shade of red, wrinkled shirt hanging loosely on the thin body and I cursed Near for sleeping with a shirt. Why did he have to wear one? Or anything for that matter. _Concentrate.  
_His chest rose slightly, breath heavy for just having awakened and still laying there. Noticing that I stared at him, he quickly covered himself with his white blanket. He looked way too innocent while doing that. Way too cute. Fuck.

As if unable to move, I just stood there, looking at him in confusion, arching a brow. A little surprised to find him like that.  
"Near?" I tried. My voice sounded somewhat demanding even though I hadn't intended on making it sound that way.

Calm down, don't kill him and don't kiss him. Then everything's okay.

"Yeah?" He answered, voice quiet and sounding almost insecure. Not as robotic as always. That seemed to happen more frequently lately, I noticed. Yesterday evening he had been anything but robotic. Big, grey eyes blinked a few times. It almost looked as if he was afraid, panicking. Afraid of what? I didn't know. Not that I cared at all.

"Why are you still in your bed, we have classes in like a few minutes and have you even eaten anything for breakfast? Aaand good morning, by the way." He smirked at me as I stupidly wished him a good morning. I glared.  
Had it been a dumb question? Of course he hadn't eaten anything yet when he was still in bed, but he had smiled. Good sign, wasn't it?

Why exactly had I wished him a good morning? Let's just blame it on the headache pills I had taken in order to survive my hangover. Not that they helped a lot, but I was able to stand here. Which was good. Or maybe not.

Now that I had actually spoken it out and looked at him again, the whole thing started to make sense. Near in his bed plus the way he looked could only mean..

I smirked and noticed how he had a look on his face that made him look like he would faint from embarrassment any second. I could only imagine what had happened before I got here. I cursed myself, why hadn't I gotten here earlier? The thought alone made me exited, the good thing was that I blushed often, for example when I was angry. I'd blame it on that. I always would. Trying to ignore what I had just thought about, namely what might be the reason for him still laying here, I looked away, still hoping for him to not notice how I had to suppress a laugh. This was Near. He didn't do this kind of things. Would he?

Well, on the other hand, I hadn't even thought he'd ever kiss someone in his life. Neither had I expected it to be me. What exactly had we done? And didn't I have the intention of stopping it?

No answer came from him, which slightly confirmed my suspicions. I tried not to imagine what exactly I had just thought of. I really should better not do that.

Our eyes locked again and I could see how his mind was working to find an answer. Not the usual thoughtful expression when he would twirl his hair and stare into nothingness, he looked rather troubled with it, this time. I smirked. Our eyes locked again. I took a breath in. He spoke.

"I uuhm, overslept." The tone of his voice alone made me let out a small laugh. He looked at me questioningly, big grey eyes even wider than usually and for a second, he somewhat reminded me of a panda. Near certainly was a freak sometimes.

"Why are you here, anyways?" He tried to distract me, I knew that much. I wasn't dumb, after all. And given that he wasn't dumb either, I pretty much knew that he knew why exactly I was here. Or didn't he? A stinging pain, in my head. Again. Thinking hurt.

"You're an idiot. I just came here to ask you if you'd like to go to classes with me."  
Why did he have to make me speak this out? I had just realized that it sounded idiotic. More than just idiotic. Dumb.  
Why did I even want to go there with him? Fuck, I didn't. Fuck his doubtful look. Fuck how he still looked kind of cute. However, I felt like an idiot. Which I didn't like actually.

"Fuck, you know what? I'm leaving!" I hissed, pissed off by as good as everything, my temper getting the best of me, once again. I clenched my fists way too hard and turned around, head blurry and a stinging sensation in my chest, stamping towards the door. Damn, this was fucked up. I was.

Just as I was about to bang the door shut behind me, I heard Near saying something.

"Mello," he sounded rather confident, but in combination with him speaking, still somewhat lost. Why did he sound that way? I turned around and noticed him staring at me from his bed. All the anger was gone. Suddenly and without a reason. I didn't feel angry anymore.

"What?" Okay, I still sounded pissed, but I wasn't actually. I was overjoyed. A bit at least.

"Yeah, I would like to," he said. He would like to.

Awkward, it really was.

"Okay, so then, you'd better fucking hurry up. I mean, we don't have so much time left," I suggested, earning a half-smile from him. And I wondered why he always seemed to have such a hard time smiling. It fitted his face, actually. Way better than the normal emotionless expression, anyways. But what to expect, for he was a freak, that much was sure.

All of a sudden, I had new energy to face the day, I wanted him to hurry up. And he was still in his bed. I decided that it'd be my task to get him out of his bed. Or into. Or whatever. I didn't like waiting. So I just moved forwards, jumped on the bed and grabbed his hand to pull him up so he would sit properly.

"Come on now! Or do I have to help you getting dressed?"

I couldn't help but stare into his face for a moment, grey eves facing me. It was funny seeing how nervous he looked. He had probably thought I would attack him or something. Huh, fun.  
"No, I'll hurry," he quietly spoke, trying to stand up. I stopped him.

"Why not?" I questioned sternly, knowing that he wouldn't understand this was a joke. Grey eyes looked at me questioningly; shy. He didn't understand. Of course he did not, he wasn't one to understand humor, nor to use it. Or if he did, he probably had a strange, Near like humor that was twisted and arrogant. Arrogant. I had the slight feeling that I'd get angry again, but swallowed it down. Now was not the situation to get angry.

What the fuck was I even thinking, why would I be angry at him?  
Oh, yeah, I'd been hating him for a few years now, beating him and hiding his dearly loved toys. He had been my rival. I almost forgot.  
But those eyes. I was confused like hell, I wasn't acting like myself at all. The difference was kind of scary.

"Because I am capable of putting my clothes on myself and I don't think that I do need help of you, but I'll just hurry instead and.."the words blurted out of him in a fast pace. What the..? Was Near actually nervous? I had never heard him talking that fast.

He was talking way too much, the words echoing in my head. I decided to shut him up.

Just for the sake of my health. Or something like that.

Since I was still holding his hand, I could easily pull him, closer to me, until our faces almost crashed. Almost.

A knock. On the door.

I stared right into his eyes for a second, hoping he would understand what I planned on doing depending on who was at the door.  
"Near, play along, " I whispered.

He nodded. I just hoped he would understand.

An instant later, the door swung open, the sight greeting my eyes annoying me even more than the pure fact that it had actually knocked.

Linda. The fucking brunette I despised. What exactly was she doing here? I glared at her before she even seemed to understand the whole situation , looking back at Near I realized how I had just kind of fucked up with my plan.

"Fuck you, seriously, goddamn idiot!"

It suddenly felt kind of different, hurting Near. And all I was using right now were words. I raised my hand, hoping he understood what was going on, hoping he was okay with it. My fist met his stomach rather softly, but to my surprise and also, amusement, he actually acted as if I had just hit him hard.

Or had I really? Hopefully not.

Damn, why couldn't it be easy anymore, gaining happiness from hitting Near was much easier than having to deal with all of this shit. Seriously. I just hoped that the whole scene looked rather like me beating Near up than me and Near actually almost kissing on a bed, together. The latter would definitely be much harder to explain to everybody. And knowing the annoying brunette that was standing right next to the door, we would have to explain it to lots of persons.

Then again, what exactly did that girl think she was doing here? I definitely hated her. Annoying bitch.

It was then that I decided, I'd better turn around, the nice image of Near right in front of me replaced with the one of a little brat a on the other side of the room. What to do now? I actually wanted to accompany Near, or maybe the other way around, but with her here, it wouldn't be that easy.

Cursing me for my bad luck, Linda for being alive in the first place, Near for his suddenly different behavior and alcohol for the headache it causes, I hurried out of the room without such a thing as a last look at Near. If only looks could kill, Linda would be dead. And if only killing wouldn't cause so much trouble, she'd also be dead. This time there was no voice calling for me to come back or anything, so I just left. Easy as that.

Now I'd only have to find Matt, who would probably already be angry with me for disappearing from our room when he was still getting ready and not telling him where I went. I couldn't tell him about this, so I'd just make up an excuse as soon as I'd see him in the class.

However, I hadn't expected him to actually know it already.

* * *

Near's POV:

As the door was slammed shut, I swallowed. If this whole thing had been an act, Mello might as well be an actor instead of L's successor. But what should I have expected, he was Mello, when it came to expressing anger, he surely would be a natural talent.

I looked up at Linda who had interrupted our previous actions. We had almost kissed. Mello and I. My heart beat a bit faster at the thought of it. But my facial expression didn't change, now that he had gone, I was back to being myself. The whole thing didn't feel that real anyways, it was so strange how the person who always tried to make me feel worse, made me feel better suddenly. And I didn't want him to go away, even if he just acted as if he wanted me, which I actually believed, it still felt somewhat good to have him there. Unlike anybody else. Unlike Linda. Who was still standing there, facing me with a blush on her face.

Was she sick? And what did she want here, anyway? It felt as if suddenly, there was too much social contact in my live. A whole lot too much of it. Or maybe, I just didn't want her to be here.

"What are you doing here?" I asked, bluntly.

She smiled, so friendly that I was almost sure that it was just fake friendliness she used. "I just wanted to come here and ask if you're alright, since yesterday, you know, when you've been with Mello and Matt, I'm pretty sure you were with them and I was worried they might hurt you or something."

She was kind, wasn't she? Just like everybody, she only actually came when she wanted something. I was sure of it, she didn't actually worry, all the girl wanted was to hear something interesting she could tell the others. And nobody seemed to even notice what she did. They all just played along, acting as if they were best friends. I didn't want that, neither did I need it.

"No, as you can see, I'm alright," my voice sounded neutral. Not as if I had a bad intention, not as if I tried to be overly nice. I liked it that way, it kept me out of trouble and the others away. My appearance was like some kind of fence, maybe even a wall. One without windows. Anybody could stare at me, yet nobody actually saw what was inside. And I doubted that there was something, sometimes, as well. However, there surely once had been.

Sometimes it seemed it would be better if I was invisible, which was why I barely ate. I didn't want to get attention by doing that, as it was often described in books. I wanted quite the opposite. And sometimes, it seemed it would be better if I was dead. However, I hadn't gone that far yet. Maybe because I was a coward, maybe because it simply felt as if that was too easy.

I didn't know. Maybe..

"But he's been hitting you when I came in," the girl insisted, clearly trying to make me talk more. I didn't like talking. At least, not with her. I sighed, playing with a lock of my hair.

"Well, I am not really hurt and his beatings have been worse," I deadpanned. I wanted to end this talk.

Her smile didn't fade and when I feared she'd continue talking, I stated calmly, "If Linda could leave my room please, I'd like to dress for class." While talking to her, I sat up properly on my bed again, about to stand up and get to the closet. I needed to dress.

I really had to. I hated being late, not only that it could cause trouble, I also hated striking.

With that, her smile faded and she just nodded. "Okay, see you later." I didn't say anything else and then heard as her sandals tapped on the floor, she was leaving finally.

After that, I hurried to change my clothes, not having trouble with finding something to wear at all. I always wore the same. I always was the same. Nothing changed, did it?

Maybe it did.

For I had never felt nervous about class. If anything at all, I just didn't care. I wondered what it would be like, in class today. Because of Mello. Would he talk to me? Or would he just ignore me? Probably.

Probably it would be the best if he did. Because everything else would be strange, wouldn't it? The others would notice. We would get into trouble. We surely would. I didn't mind trouble, I just didn't want Mello to be like before again. Or myself.

I hurried trough the big hallway straightly to the class, where the best of the children of Wammy's learned about law, some psychology and also, the normal school stuff, like maths, English and different languages. Learning was one of the few things in my life, I was good at. It wasn't trouble at all. Just simply remembering information and later, figuring out what might be important. That was all. Plain and simple.

Luckily, the bell hadn't rang when I entered the room, heading for my usual seat next to one of the big windows that illuminated the room in a somewhat bright light. It was still cold outside, but slowly, the winter came to an end and the sun showed itself more often. But I preferred the cold. In summer, we'd sometimes have to go outside, which I didn't enjoy a lot. Also, while all the others wore T-Shirts, I was stuck with wearing long-sleeved shirts, so nobody would see my scars.

I cringed. Scars; on my arm, everywhere. I was disgusting, not only because of that. Because I was me.

I must have looked just that way, my mask of indifference was failing way too often, lately. However, as I got out of my thoughts, I noticed Mello staring at me from the corner of his eyes while talking to Matt. I felt so out of place, my stomach tingling slightly and the pace of my heartbeats increasing a little. He looked pissed off. Like often. Because of me? I didn't know. I smiled, a little. He turned away.

And again, I just wanted to die.


	10. Secrets

**Here it is, another chapter. I'm already writing on the next one, so there'll be an actually faster update soon.  
**

**However, read ,enjoy and review, if you like it. And if you want me to write faster or tell me how lazy I am, review, as well. **

**And also, thanks to all of you who reviewed, it really encourages me. (: And thanks, Sanguinem7, for telling me, I'll try to work on that. Glad to hear my English isn't too bad. Even though in this chap there might still be some mistakes and stuff. I didn't have so much time and I just wanted to finally have this published, I'll edit later, I think.**

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**Chapter 10: Secrets**

_Near's POV:  
_

The minutes felt like hours. Hours felt like days. And all of that time, I had the slight hope of Mello talking to me or at least, looking at me. While I had been sitting in the classroom, staring into nothing in particular, busy with keeping my face looking neutral and twirling a lock of my hair, this had been the thing that I yearned the most for.

However, wishes didn't tend to come true. Or at least, mine didn't seem to.

I didn't dare approaching him, but truth be spoken, it seemed I rather didn't even have the chance. As if he had been avoiding me; and I actually knew he did. Why wouldn't he? Why would anybody be nice to me? There was no reason for him to talk to me. I was me.

All I wanted to do was to get away from here. I didn't want to face it. Mello, the others, my feelings, it was just too much to endure. But there was no way I could get away. So I just sat there, occasionally taking a look into Mello's direction, hoping for it to be returned. And all of a sudden, feeling nothing, like I always had, seemed to be the better opportunity. It, at least, meant that there are no sad emotions either.

Maybe feeling alive or feeling at all; maybe all of that wasn't worth the prize to pay. Suffering. And fear. The steady fear of Mello not wanting to be with me anymore. The fear that he hadn't ever wanted me. Like nobody else did.

I felt my mask of indifference crumble and instantly blocked all thoughts of Mello out of my head. I tried to. Why did everything have to be about him suddenly? When had I gotten the kind of person to care about others, or anything? And still, my face threatened to show emotion. Even if it did, Mello wouldn't care, he hadn't once looked at me since earlier and maybe I was taking it too seriously and surely it was dumb of me to have even considered him actually liking me a bit, but I couldn't help that it was killing me. He was.

I once again, looked at him. His blond hair was shimmering even brighter hit by sun rays. He looked a bit annoyed, but that was just his usual expression, I assumed. His eyes were glued to the front of the room, not darting to the side once to look at me. No reaction at all. He must have noticed, at least once.

He didn't want to, didn't care to.

And still, there I was, eyes filling with tears that were about to fall down if I wouldn't concentrate on stopping them. This was so new, yet, so familiar. I remembered why it was better to not feel, it would always be like this, once you started harbouring feelings for something, it would destroy you in the end.

But once in life, I was lucky. For right when it was getting way too hard for me to stay my composed self, all of a sudden, the bell went off and before everyone else had even gotten up, I had already hurried out of the room and into the big, relatively empty hallways. I respired and without once looking back, to the side or at anybody who passed me on the hallway, I headed straight for my room. I just couldn't endure others any longer; that was me. I'd always flee when I didn't know how to react. But honestly, how could I have reacted? He hadn't looked at me, he didn't care. That was all there was to it. There was just nothing I could do. I was a failure.

The door of my room clicked shut behind me and all of a sudden, I wasn't able to hold the tears that had built-up for such a long time. I hadn't cried in ages and I wasn't sure how long it had actually been since a tear had left my eyes. But that was all it took. Mello, one day, a few kisses, ignorance. And I was a mess.

I couldn't help but sob as I let myself fall down on my bed, covering my eyes with my hands. I absolutely hated that feeling. When you can't stop yourself from crying even though you know it won't change anything and at all, instead of helping, crying just makes you feel worse.

Absent-mindedly, I reached for my drawer, opening it and revealing some of my books. I grabbed one of them and again, as so often, opened it, to take out my razor blade. Then, I placed the book in the drawer again and looked at the small sharp piece of paper that was laying in my palm. It was amazing how such little things could sometimes be such a big help. I smirked a little at the thought. How ironic. I knew this didn't help my in any way. Or maybe it did; for a moment. Afterwards, I'd regret it. But I didn't care. When I felt like I needed to cut, I could care less about the consequences.

Right now, as I took the cool piece of metal to my wrist, it didn't matter anyways.

There were times when it was even hard to find a place without a scar on my arms. Right now, it wasn't too hard to find one, even though I usually preferred not to do it on my wrists, because someone might see it there more easily, I just pushed the blade closer to my skin until I could feel my skin being torn. It wasn't even pain, what I felt was rather the opposite.

Small drops of blood fell down my wrists and I just watched as they got bigger and bigger, slowly a pool of blood began to form on the inside of my hand and the sheets of the bed changed their color as well.

Just like me. From such a pale, boring white, to a dark, passionate red.

And all I could do was watch as more and more it collected; on the bed, the sheets, my hand. I had done this more often, but this time it just felt so utterly fascinating, as my head got emptier and emptier. I felt weightless. Not like other times, when there always seemed to be way too much of myself in this world.

I heard as I let the blade fall out of my hand, hitting the floor. And the sound didn't seem to fade. But everything else did, as it slowly got darker and I was further and further away. It felt like leaving, but I just didn't feel like caring. Time was passing as I just sat there, not moving, barely breathing and at all, just feeling comfortable with not being myself.

But then, I heard something, the sound of footsteps, a door opening and then, silence. I didn't dare turning around, all too aware with what had just happened. All to aware about how I had just ruined everything. No matter who would be there, it would mean that I'd be taken away. Either to some psychiatrist, or maybe, they'd just forbid me to live here any longer. The only thing that had always made me the favorite one to be the successor, the thing that made me number one, my composure, my indifference. That was what kept me here and this was, what I was losing right in this very moment, while not even fully conscious.

Everything I had been working for, for years. All of that might just be lost right now, all efforts fruitless; me useless. And again, I couldn't do anything to change it.

I turned around, opening my eyes a second later and being greeted with the sight that could only mean the worst. The person who had just been waiting for such an opportunity for years.

My breathing stopped for a moment and I could, again, feel tears filling my eyes that had gone surprisingly dry in the maybe not so short time I had watched myself bleeding. Mello stood in front of me.

_Mello's POV:_

As Near turned around, I couldn't help but stare at the sight of him in front of me for a moment without even moving or breathing.

I was shocked, not only surprised, but genuinely shocked. There he sat, the boy I had kissed, the boy I had known for years by now. And in that very moment, I could see nothing of the Near that I knew. Not even his eyes looked the same when tears they were wet with tears and then, what I saw shocked me the most, more than anything in my life had ever managed to.

Red. Blood red stains covered his white shirt, his arm, his hands and even the bed. I didn't know what to do, all I could do was stand there and watch over the things in the room, from the floor where a bloody blade lay, to the red blood that seemed to be everywhere in the room. Even though it wasn't. Obviously not.

My eyes paused as they met the gaze of Near's and for once in my life, I actually felt helpless. His eyes shone with what seemed to be pure depression, anxiety and hopelessness. I wanted to hug him so bad, but on the other hand, he looked so fragile, as if he would break into pieces if someone touched him slightly.

Why?

The question echoed through my head and I didn't know the answer.

All I could do was ask.

"Near, what the fuck?" I didn't actually say in in a bad tone of voice, but I just couldn't help cursing, it was a bad habit.

Before he even had the chance to answer, I rushed towards him, grabbing his arm and holding it, inspecting his wound. Or rather, wounds. All of his arm, everything was covered in scars. Some looked older, some were still fresh.

But one particularly deep cut caught my attention, for it was the one still bleeding. Right above the artery. Fuck.

"Goddamn, NEAR! Are you fucking insane! Have you tried to kill yourself?" I screamed right at him, at this point just not able to accept what I was seeing. It was too much. He couldn't do this. Never!

Grey eyes turned towards me helplessly but I couldn't bear looking into his eyes that moment. He opened his moutg to answer, but closed it again. Before I would say anything else to him, I hurried over to the bathroom, just hoping that there might be some kind of a first aid kit or something I could use to stop his arms from bleeding. There was a lot of blood in the room and I wasn't sure how bad it actually was, but one thing I knew for sure; It looked anything but good.

In fact, there couldn't be anything worse.

Hastily scanning the walls of the small room, I would have almost sighed in relief, if this would have been everything, as I found it. I ripped it off of the wall any hurried back to Near's bed. The small albino sat there silently, not having even moved, as it appeared.

Luckily, I didn't have a problem with seeing blood, but still, seeing somebody you know, maybe even like, bleed and knowing the wound was self inflicted, was a whole different story. Nevertheless, without speaking a word, I gently, with trembling hands, put on some disinfectant, ointment and then, bandaged his arm not too tightly, hoping that this would somehow help him.

Just as I got up, I realized that I had been kneeling in the blood in front of Near's bed, but I could care less.

I tried it again, finally wanting, or rather needing some answers, some kind of explanation from the small boy in front of me. I kept my voice calm and gentle this time, though.

"Near, what happened?"

The albino who had absent-mindedly watched me taking care of his wounds the whole time, finally tore his gaze away from his arm and faced me. And again, looking into his eyes was hard to manage. I had always hated how the boy never showed anything in his face, but right now, there was a kind of an emotional overload visible in those big, grey orbs. Still, they seemed to be so far away, so empty.

I swallowed and watched as silent tears began to drop down his face.

"I, well, you.. Please don't tell anyone, Mello." At this, I almost felt angry again. Why would he expect me to just run off and tell some random person? Did he think of me that way?

I put those thoughts away, not wanting to be as egoistic as to be offended by something like that when there was something clearly wrong with Near. It wasn't much like myself to care about others, but right now, I just had to. I didn't even have to force or play it, I did actually care.

I smiled at him, hoping for it to calm down a little. "No, gosh, don't worry. Why would I tell anybody? But answer my question. What happened? Why?" I wanted to make clear that he'd better tell me. He had to, if he wouldn't, I'd..

I didn't know? What would I do? Tell Roger? Or anyone else? Would I really do that? No.

"I mean, only if you want to..", I quickly added. I wasn't used to being gentle or comforting and it was kind of hard, actually.

As Near began to sob even more, I decided that it might be the best if I didn't say anything, so I just pushed the kit to the side and sat down closer to him, hugging him slightly, careful not to touch his left arm.

We sat there that way for what seemed like an eternity. After a while, the sobs got quieter and Near's hold onto me tightened a bit. His white locks tickled a bit in my face, but I didn't dare move away from him, far too happy that I was actually holding him like that.

Then, a quiet voice rose, instantly catching all of my attention, even though barely audible.

"You.. Why do you do that?" His voice was shaky, but still, I was happy to hear it. But what exactly he had said was confusing.

"What do you mean?"

"You are being nice to me in one second and then, in the next you hate me and act like I am the worst thing in the world, why?"

I was astonished and somewhat wondering what he was talking about. I had a slight idea.

"Are you talking about this morning?" He nodded. "Damn, Near. That was an act, you do realize that if we suddenly hung out together, it would seem fucking strange to the others?!"

I saw how his facial expression changed and how he doubted my words, as it appeared.

"So you don't hate me?" The question took me a bit off guard. I had always sworn to myself that I hated Near. But right now, I wasn't even so sure. In the last days, I had seen so many different sides of him. It was astonishing. However, I could not say that I hated him. And that wasn't simply because it would be quite insensitive.

"No, I don't, Near." Silence followed that seemed to give the words a lot more meaning. But it wasn't even the awkward kind of silence, rather a comforting one. I felt him slowly breathing, his chest rising and falling slightly. It was then that I decided I'd bring up the topic I wasn't so sure about how to discuss, for I didn't know a lot about it actually. But I would have to think it through often the next time until I might understand and fully realize it. Near self harmed.

"But Near?" He looked at me, grey eyes looking so teary that I already felt pity for asking him this, but I had to. "This isn't why you've cut yourself, is it? I mean, there are older cuts, as well. So, why would you do that?"

_Near's POV:_

I knew he'd ask me. I knew he would. But still, I didn't have the right answer for it. How could I explain without him knowing anything about how I got to do this, how I got to be this way?  
These weren't things he actually wanted to know, I was sure of it. And I didn't want to tell. Ever. Or at least, not right now. I simply could not.

I bit my lip in despair. My arm hurt, unlike other times, this cut seemed to be deeper, not only stinging or burning slightly, but actually hurting. I sighed, taking a deep breath before answering, so my voice would sound steady.

"I can't tell. I mean, not now. I'm sorry." I looked at him and I could've sworn that he actually looked a bit hurt at this, but a second later, eyes that looked ocean blue in this light, lit up with understanding and I couldn't believe how lucky I actually was to have him here. Mello did seem to care at least a little bit.

I couldn't help but feel a small smile on my lips. For a moment, everything seemed to be okay. Just for a second.

"It's okay, just tell me if something's wrong. But don't do this again. Ever." He looked serious when saying this, but still, he was gentle. That seemed to be a little strange for him, but I was positively surprised that he was able to act like this. And it seemed to be honest, even though I might just tell myself.

But as I looked down on my arms, my heart skipped a beat and I just nodded, hoping for it to look convincing. Mello really didn't seem to know a lot about this, or maybe it was just because of me, but I knew that it would never be that easy. I knew that I couldn't just stop with this, it was just a part of me. But I also knew that I could never tell him.

I looked deep into his eyes. Blue irises shining in a beautiful color, a color that I could stare at all day. Mello's eyes were just like his personality; promising and exciting. Unlike mine. Beautiful. He was, indeed.

When he caught me looking at him like this, he smirked. And it was then, that I noticed how close we actually were, again. Without asking he pulled me closer until our lips met and once again, it felt as if I was about to die of a heart attack. I felt my stomach tingling and my head blurring. This seemed to be the effect he always had on me and the closer he got, the worse it got. Or maybe, the better. Maybe I should just eat something, the loss of blood didn't help my body either, I assumed. But then, I remembered, how weightless I had felt earlier and how it was so much of a better feeling than being filled up.

However, as our lips touched, I couldn't help but to smirk into the kiss for a second, before moving them against his. Even though because of his look they were formed into a thin line most of the time, his lips were softer than anything else. Starting off as a gentle lip against lip movement, the kiss soon got more fierce, passionate, his tongue pushing its way into my mouth, even though I didn't protest. I gladly accepted his tongue entering my mouth so we could kiss.

If I had to choose, this might be the best hobby in the world, I decided.

As he pushed my face onto his even tighter, I inwardly smirked again at how hard he tried to not touch my arm with any movement the whole time. Mello sometimes surprised me. Until then, it had always just been his anger that surprised me the most, but right now, that had changed. There was just something so different about him, all of a sudden.

The kiss went on and on, our tongues dancing with each other in a fast pace, him exploring my mouth as if this would be the first time we had ever kissed and then, after what seemed to be hours, he pulled away, the both of us eagerly breathing in the much needed air.

I was glad that, for once, nobody seemed to have the idea to burst into the room as people tended to do these days.

"Thank you Mello," I quietly spoke, feeling the urge to tell him how much it astonished me how nice he acted. I smiled at him.

"Oh come on now, don't be an idiot," he laughed at me, my smile growing somewhat bigger. He smiled back. I liked his smile, a lot. Or rather, his whole face, I noticed then.

Then, all of a sudden, Mello stood up and instantly, my mood dropped, again. Did he already want to leave again? Just like that? Why? Had he just done this as a joke? Was he annoyed because of me? Or angry? Disappointed?

"Well, what are you waiting for? Put on some new shirt and then come on, we're going!" He walked towards the door, gesturing for me to hurry up with his hands.

I smiled and did as I was told, not even caring that I had to change in front of him, this time. I was surprised myself, how much my body seemed to have recovered already. I could, in fact, walk. I was okay. And now, I'd have to change in front of Mello. I blushed a little at the thought, hoping for him to not notice it, and took off my shirt. He did know about the scars now, after all. Still, I could feel his gaze on me while changing, making me feel slightly uncomfortable, or rather, embarrassed. But it felt as if Mello would be the only person I could ever allow to see me that way, ever.

Right after that, I was led out of my room, not even asking where we were going, simply accepting it.


	11. Distraction

**Hey (: **

**So, here it is finally. I'm sorry, but it took me longer since I deleted and rewrote this chapter a few times. I just wasn't happy with it. Hope it's okay now. It's mostly about how they feel but in the next chapter there should finally be some action between them. :3 **

**And thanks a lot to those who take /took their time to write reviews; It makes me really happy to know that you like it.**  
**Well, enjoy reading and if you want me to write more, faster, better, whatever, just tell me.**

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**Chapter 11: Distraction**

_Near's POV:_

I still wondered where exactly we were heading as he dragged me along the corridors. I wondered what exactly he wanted to do, my biggest fear was that he wanted to tell Roger. Or anybody else; maybe he was just taking me with him so he would be able to convince them by showing my scars to them. I took a breath in.

I just hoped this wasn't true, but at the same time I knew that if he wanted to do it, there was no way for me to prevent it. Still, I somewhat hoped that this wouldn't be it. For once, I hoped, everything would be alright.

And seconds later, I respired. We had just walked past Roger's office and even though I wasn't sure he didn't just want to mock me in front of the others, it at least meant nothing bad.

Wammy's was relatively empty, most of the kids would be at their rooms, enjoying some time off, playing games or learning. Nobody even seemed to stare at us, although it was me and Mello of all people, spending time together without him harming me at all. Or maybe, he was. Maybe he was playing a trick on me right in this moment; probably. Still, I couldn't seem to care. My mind simply refused to believe what was most likely happening. I had never been like that, I always did what was the most logical. In this moment, that might would have been running away and locking the doors. But I didn't do that, which was strange. I wondered. It was not that I had been desperate for contact all of the time, I really hadn't. And even now, it was not about having someone there, it was about having him there. And that, besides the issue with me not being myself at all anymore, bothered me the most. It was about him. It had never been about someone else.

Usually, nothing bothered me. Ever.

Also, usually nothing surprised me. Except for the last days, there had been quite some surprises. Still, it seemed Mello had noticed my reaction when I saw he didn't head for Roger's room. "You okay?" He asked, maybe really a bit worried seeing as his gaze shortly wandered down to my wrist, as if to confirm my arm was still there. Nope, it hadn't fallen off.

I half smirked, earning a strange look from him. "I'm okay, I just thought you wanted to drag me to Roger and tell him about.. it," I felt strange speaking it out. Maybe I shouldn't have said the last part. Maybe that had sounded mean. I really wasn't used to this, talking about anything other than pure information.

But for the last days, that had begun to change, even if I didn't always know what to reply when Mello said something, at least, we did have conversations. Whether they were normal or not.. I wasn't so sure. How could I know, all of this was new to me, after all.

He stopped walking and his expression changed, it kind of worried me. Blue eyes pierced mine, shimmering with a cold icy blue. "I know you think I am, and I might as well even be an asshole, but I'm not that low," he spoke in a bitter, ironic tone.

I had said something wrong, obviously. And it worried me. So I quickly tried to correct myself, not wanting him to be mad at me. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it that way, it's just,.. I don't know why you would be so nice to me, all of a sudden." For unknown reasons I blushed a little as I finished my sentence, already expecting him to get really angry with me. I really didn't do this usually; caring about what I said and how somebody would react.

Maybe, just maybe the whole thing with the earlier blood loss didn't exactly help me thinking clearly.

"Well, maybe you'd better shut the fuck up and be glad that I am."

That hadn't exactly been kind, but I accepted it nonetheless, I didn't mind Mello talking to me like that. I was rather used to this than to the kind treatment I had received from him for the last days. I was strange, I guessed.

We started walking again, me being the one following him through the building until he stopped in front of the kitchen. The kitchen?! Now I was certainly confused why he had wanted me to come with him.

"Wait a moment," he said and entered the room, leaving me standing there all alone. I felt silly, like a waste of space, standing there all alone while a few other kids passed me. I started twirling a lock of my hair again, it was something I usually did. I did that when I was bored, when I was busy thinking, whenever I felt empty and whenever I realized that I had done something dumb, made a mistake.

In short; I would be twirling my hair most of the time, unsure when exactly I had started doing it. Right now, I was busy thinking. Thinking was the one thing I used to do whenever I felt like I didn't belong, whenever I felt disconnected. Maybe that was why I was number 1 here, I would always be thinking. Maybe I even tended to over think things.

Seconds later, Mello came back, three chocolate bars in his hands. I looked at him, questioningly. He looked back irritated, as though stealing sweets would be the most normal thing in the world. I cringed as I imagined how many calories these must have. How could Mello manage to stay this thin when eating so unhealthily?

"Well, if I want to spend time with you, I'll need chocolate, lots of chocolate," he sounded dead serious, although it seemed quite ridiculous, considering what he had just said. He wanted to spend time with me? He would need chocolate to do so. Okay. I wasn't so sure whether this was meant something good or bad.

Maybe I had been staring at him like an idiot for a few seconds, wondering what he was talking about. Wondering whether he pitied me and wanted to spend time with me just because he felt obligated to, which I would certainly not have liked, but neither would I have protested. I never spoke up against anybody. Ever. Or maybe he even had other reasons to spend time with me? I couldn't think of any. I didn't know. However, after a few seconds of me standing there and wondering, he just started walking away. I hesitated for a moment but then, followed, hurrying to catch up with him.

"Where are we going?" I asked, as we got closer and closer towards the door leading outside Wammy's. I hadn't been outside for years and I had no intention of going there anytime soon. Actually, I hadn't been ever since I came here. And even walking around in here like this was unusual for me. But being outside would be even more so. I didn't belong there, I knew that. Everyone would stare at me because of my hair color and because of how short I was and because of how fat I was and also, I was me. Which was the worst of it. I felt my heart beating a bit faster, not due to anything positive this time, my breathing already starting to quicken. I couldn't breathe properly. I felt like I was suffocating. Outside, there were to many people and to many things that could happen. I panicked. But I didn't show it, my face not betraying any of my thoughts. Or so I hoped.

And still, I kept on walking behind Mello, not being able to stop my legs from moving. I felt like I was losing control. How could I tell him what was wrong? Would he even care? Surely not, my problems were to idiotic for anybody else to care about them. Why did anything have to be complicated when I was involved? On one hand I had problems with not feeling anything, on the other hand I was afraid of feeling these kinds of things. I had hoped I would never feel that way again, I had hoped that I would be able to stay in my small room here at Wammy's for the rest of my life. Which hopefully wouldn't mean that long. I bit my lip hard, I couldn't stand trouble. I couldn't stand stress. And most of all, I couldn't stand going outside.

The feeling of nausea hit me and I wondered if I was going to throw up for a moment. Luckily I hadn't eaten anything today. I expected to have a panic attack sooner or later, though.

I stopped walking, wondering what excuse I could come up with. Upon noticing me not walking behind him anymore, Mello turned around, looking at me with slightly narrowed eyes, questioning, signaling for me to explain what I was doing. I kept quiet. A few seconds passed and I still felt my heart beating fast. Mello was staring at me, this, plus the fact that I didn't know what to say, all of that could only cause me to get nervous. I looked down at me feet, feeling awkward.

"Near? Why the hell are you still standing there?" He asked, sounding more pissed than he actually was, I guessed. How could I blame him, today I was even better at annoying others than usually.

"I haven't been outside for years and I doubt that it's such a good idea to go out, I'm comfortable in here." I cursed myself for speaking this way, I didn't sound like myself at all. Behaving the way I usually did got harder from day to day. Or maybe it was just because of the situation I was in. I didn't know. Again. Could anybody kill me, please?

He smirked and came closer. I didn't know what to do? Should I run away? Should I fall down? Tell him to stay away? Did he want to kiss me? I opened my eyes wider and blushed. He certainly wouldn't do that. Not here where others could see us. Maybe he would never do that again, I feared. I didn't know why, but these kind of fear seemed to be in the back of my mind ever since we had first kissed. I swallowed, still considering running away.

But too late, he was already here, grabbing my arm, the right one, because it seemed he was still worried about me dying of pain or something if he would touch my cuts. He smirked again. I felt my cheeks heat up, not exactly sure why that always seemed to happen when I was close to him. I wished, it wouldn't.

I stared into his eyes, admiring the view of Mello's blue eyes. They seemed to be even brighter in this light. His leather clothes creaked slightly as he moved. And then, he just dragged me outside. I didn't even try to break free. First of all, that wouldn't have worked. And second, I had been way too busy melting like a snowman in the sun when he had touched me.

This certainly wasn't healthy. It seemed I was staring to lose my brains. It just couldn't be a good thing, could it? But it certainly felt like it was. I'd have to figure that out later. Right now, there were bigger problems.

I was outside.

* * *

_Mello's POV:_

Today was a fucked up day. Really. Not like the usual fucked up days, but it was one nonetheless.

For I was currently confused like hell. Nothing seemed to make any sense anymore and it just pissed me off.  
It had been just a few hours ago, that I had found out about Near harming himself regularly. And I didn't know any reasons why he did it. And also, it seemed that my mind still hadn't fully processed it. It just seemed so surreal, the seconds when I had actually seen him like that, bleeding, helpless.. It hadn't reminded me of the Near I thought I knew in the slightest. I had always doubted he even had these kinds of feeling, that he could be sad. But he had to be, considering what I had witnessed. And this worried me.

For no matter what, I would have always been able to truthfully say that I couldn't stand him. Even though in the last days, I had actually started to doubt it a little. But since that moment, earlier, I had the feeling that there was something more to Near than him just being arrogant and refusing to talk to others. And I didn't know why, but this had me fucking confused. While my brain kept telling me that it was Near I was talking about here, the one I had hated for years, the one I had been planning on fooling and breaking by playing with his feelings. Maybe he was already broken. And to my surprise, this didn't make me happy in the slightest.

Also, the fact that his hand was squeezing mine like crazy right now, refusing to let go, had me wondering what was wrong, again. At all, Near seemed really stressed as we walked along the street that lead to the city.

I had been thinking that going out once in a while might help him, that it would be better than letting him lock himself away, but I wasn't that sure anymore. Did he try to piss me off on purpose? I looked at the smaller boy all in white walking beside me. He seemed to look at anything, except me. Which wouldn't have been a problem, considering he hadn't been outside for years, as he had said. But right now, I wanted him to look at me. He didn't even seem to notice me staring at him from the side, his head turning from one side to the other.

After a few moments, though, I had to react to his actions before he would make my hand bleed by digging his fingernails into my skin. Strange, I had almost the same habit, actually. I did this whenever I got really angry.

"Near, my hand.." I spoke, trying to sound calm, but it came out a bit annoyed, though. I really needed some chocolate soon. Today's events seemed to make me even more aggressive than usually. But I wasn't actually angry. I was just.. worried. And I didn't feel like that usually. Maybe I had been a bit too rough with him today, considering what I had found out.

When Near turned his head towards me, big, gray eyes staring at me wide, it didn't help. He looked really nervous, as though something was really worrying him. Did I even want to know? Yes, I did.

"Sorry, Mello." He let go of my hand.

"Near, what's up?" I bluntly asked, because I simply knew that something was wrong beside him being outside for the first time since who knows how long. It was strange how I had come to understand him so much better in this short time. Or maybe it wasn't me but him changing, actually showing what was up all of a sudden?

We walked beside each other quietly for a moment, but I knew that he would answer me.

"Before I got to Wammy's, I had actually lived on the streets. So when I got there, I told myself that I wouldn't ever leave again, that I would be happy for having a place to live," he answered, sounding as if he was trying to remember what exactly had happened. Which probably wasn't a problem for him. As much as I knew, he had a photographic brain, which allowed him to remember anything that had ever happened.

He never had to learn so he could remember things, whereas I needed to work if I wanted to be succesful. It seemed unfair. But right now, I couldn't care less. He had actually told me something about his past. It kind of shocked me that he seemed to trust me that much. I smiled at him, wanting him to see that I appreciated that he had told me. He gave a weak smile back. Had anything bad happened there? Or why did he seem so stressed?

"Oh, I'm sorry." I actually said sorry. I rarely did that, apologizing. Ever.

"For what?" He smiled a little more and I was relieved that he seemed to be calming down, his gaze focused on me instead of scanning the whole landscape.

"I don't know, it just doesn't sound so positive," I awkwardly explained. He blinked, confused, but then nodded. "Probably you're right." It sounded as if his head was in the clouds and I then decided that it might be better to ask him about this another time. I didn't want to ruin the mood even further.

After all, I had wanted to distract him from whatever had caused him to be sad or frustrated. But I began to slightly wonder if it would really be that easy.

* * *

_Near's POV:_

I felt myself calm down, once again, as I looked at Mello, (which was pretty ironic since until now, seeing him had almost always meant getting beaten up.) Not wanting to look even more like an idiot than I probably already did, I stopped staring at him like that and looked at the way in front of us, seeing that it most likely lead to the city. I took a breath in.

It was then that I actually realized how long it had been since I had been anywhere outside of the orphanage. Very long. I looked around, the sun was shining, but there were also a few clouds, so it wasn't too bright. A small forest surrounded the orphanage and even though I hadn't ever walked this way, I didn't expect the city being too far away. When anybody drove there by car, they always came back pretty fast. Were we even heading for the city?

"Mello? Where exactly are we going?" I asked shyly. I didn't like sounding that shy, but when I was around Mello, I just couldn't help it, no matter how hard I tried.

Blue eyes were fixed on me again and I could feel my heart skip a beat. I tried to not show what was going on inside of me, it would only embarrass me even further, I was sure of that much.

He smiled. "Well, what would you like to do? We could go.. eating something.. or, I don't know, watch a movie."

I smiled back although I was already busy making excuses for not doing any of those two things. I wouldn't want to eat something now, neither did I want to be in a dark room with so many people.

"I'm not hungry. And I don't really like watching movies.. Maybe anything else?" I hoped this wouldn't disappoint him, but on the other hand, how could I ever disappoint him? You can't be disappointed if you don't even care for someone.

He took a moment to think. "Maybe we can just go and drink something?"

"That would be nice, I guess," I couldn't shake the feeling that he pitied me, but still, it was nice of him to try so hard. No one had ever done that, no one had ever even noticed.

We walked quietly the next few minutes, me watching the landscape and Mello kicking a stone along the street. Then, after a mile or a bit more, we reached an area with more houses, some shops, lots of persons walking around, and lots of cars.

I really wasn't used to this anymore. It was like a whole new thing. In the orphanage, every day was the same, there were no risks and it was relatively calm. But here, it was the total opposite. The whole town seemed to be loud and dirty, people rushed around, advertisements everywhere. Once again, for today, I was about to collapse. It was just too much and too sudden. I wasn't used to this at all.

People pushed their way through the crowd, one person pushing me down, so I fell, not really hurting myself though, and for a moment, I feared that I would lose Mello in the middle of all this. I looked around, searching like crazy, but not finding him. My eyes filled with tears slowly and just as I was about to cry, my throat getting tighter with each breath, I saw something familiar. Blond hair. Mello was pushing one guy against the wall, looking as if he was about to punch him. I hurried over to them after stumbling a bit, tugging at his leather vest to prevent trouble from happening. He looked so aggressive that for a moment, I feared he would just punch me instead, but luckily he didn't. "Watch out better the next time!" He pushed the man away, the latter not even trying to argue. I looked at Mello, questioning. "What? That idiot should better watch out, have you hurt yourself?" He looked worried and then, for a moment, I thought he would correct his sentence because of the 'hurt yourself' part. But he didn't.

I didn't even answer, instead choosing the opportunity to get closer to Mello and hug him before he could even protest. I didn't know if he would. But at this point, I just needed to be close to him for some reason, the whole thing was far too much for me all at once. I hugged him tightly, my head resting against his shoulders because I was smaller than him.

I thought he wouldn't react and already began cursing myself for what I had just done. I had hugged Mello in the middle of a crowded city. He would hate me now. I was sure of it. Then, suddenly, I felt him tightening his grip around me. I smiled against his shoulder, a true smile, this time. I didn't smile often and if I did, it wasn't about anythig serious. But right now, it was. I was for once happy. All of those things that bothered me, all the people around us were suddenly gone. I just dodm't care about anything but us, as cheesy as it sounded.

After what seemed to be half an hour, we pulled apart, Mello grinning at me; and me smiling at him. I didn't exactly know what this hug had just meant, but I didn't care right now. "Come on."

He took me by the hand to prevent us from being separated again, I assumed, until we stood in front of some bar. We weren't even allowed to go there, why had we stopped here? He didn't seem to have doubts and just opened the door and we entered.

The smell of cigarettes in the dimly lit and big room had me coughing. I looked around, noticing some men sitting at the bar, drinking beer. I hadn't even drunk anything alcoholic and I wondered if Mello wanted us to drink something of that kind. Even if he would, I didn't mind. I expected us to get thrown out of here before we could order anything, anyways.

But we didn't. When we had sat down, a young waitress made her way over to us, smiling brightly at Mello. I didn't like her, I decided. "Mello, how are you? And who's that friend of yours? What do you want to drink?"

Why did this girl know his name? Were they friends, or something more? I glared at her. Or at least, I tried to. I didn't have the most expressive face.

Mello answered her. "I'm fine and you? That's , I'd like a Gin Tonic. How 'bout you Near?" At the mentioning of my name, I stopped glaring at the girl and looked at Mello instead. I didn't have the slightest idea what I wanted to drink.  
"Maybe the same?" It was more of a question than an answer but the blonde gilt wrote it down nonetheless. She smiled at me brightly, mouthed a quick "Sure." and then left our table, swaying her hips in an exaggerated manner. Bitch.

Mello looked at me, amused. "What's wrong with you now?"

"Nothing," I mumbled, crossing my arms and looking away.

"Oh, come on." I looked at him, feeling my own expression change immediately. I half smiled at him.

"Are you here more often?" I asked, hoping for it to answer some of my questions concerning the waitress, as well.

"Yeah, but usually I come here with Matt. Since we are so nice and cute and whatever they allow us to be in here and drink something. Nice, isn't it?" He smirked. I loved the way he smirked, it just suited his face so well.

"And what exactly did we order?" I hoped it was something that would taste good. And preferably, without many calories.

"Just wait, you'll see." I already expected it. I wouldn't like it. Probably something overly sweet.

When the girl finally came back, giggling bitchy and putting our drinks on the desk, I finally got to taste it. And to my surprise, it wasn't even a bit sweet. In fact, I had never tasted something that tasted like that. The bitter taste of what I assumed to be alcohol in combination with something even more bitter, or, it wasn't even exactly bitter. But at all, it tasted awful to me. I tried to not show it, though. But the way Mello looked at me, he already knew. How could he drink something like that? I would never understand.

Even though I expected him to know already, I still drank the entire glass, relief washing over me one I was finished.

"Do you want anything else?" The girl asked again, this time the way she looked at Mello was even more obvious, and I already hated her. So much.

Mello answered that he didn't want anything and asking me, I just shook my head.

Then, when we finally left the bar, I wondered what we would do next.

Surprisingly, I didn't have much of a chance, though, when I was suddenly pressed against the nearest wall, Mello leaning closer to me and kissing me again, this time somewhat softly. His lips were so soft, it was fascinating how they could be cursing and screaming so often.

After a few seconds of kissing innocently, he forced his tongue inside my mouth, our tongues dancing and my stomach tickling almost painfully. Maybe it was because I had lost blood and only drank something alcoholic after, but right now, it felt different. It felt better having Mello kissing me, not like something forced, not like him playing a trick one me and I was, once again, stunned, what a great kisser Mello was. I could do this forever, every single day of my life. I grabbed him by his leather vest, pulling him even tighter towards me and felt him smirking into the kiss. And I couldn't help but want to have him even closer against me. Though, I didn't say so or do anything for it. I wasn't sure we could be even closer.

After some time, we broke apart, my heart still beating violently and my lungs trying to gain some of the much needed oxygen. I slowly began to realize where exactly we were, again. In the middle of the town, not in one of our rooms. Mello didn't mind kissing me here and it made me happy for some reason. I smiled at him.

"We should get back, we didn't tell anybody that we left in the first place," Mello suddenly spoke up and I realized that we really hadn't. I nodded.

With that, we headed back for Wammy's, Mello eating the chocolate he had totally forgotten about on the way. Just like I had forgotten about how nervous I had been about going out, just because of him.


	12. Strange

**Oh my god, Oh my god. Here it is. The requested 'lemon'. :D **

**I really had a hard time writing it, I'm literally sitting in front of my laptop, blushing. I'm an idiot, I know. **

**However, hope you enjoy it, though. If you don't, I'm sorry for publishing it. The whole thing is written from Near's point of view, I didn't know how to write Mello. And ofc, thanks for reading. Also, I really love you people who review, it's nice knowing you somehow like it and it makes me continue writing this.**

* * *

**_Chapter 12: Strange_**

_Near's POV:_

Upon entering the building again, I couldn't help but feel as if everyone was watching us. I loosened my grip on Mello a bit, still holding one of his arms, for I didn't know whether he minded the others seeing us being together or not. We hadn't talked about that at all. I didn't know, neither was I sure that Mello did. It seemed he would care about what others thought of him, but then again, Mello refused to accept any rules here at all. All in all, I was confused, again. Why did life have to be so confusing?

My life had never really been confusing, for I had always refused to let anything happen, anything change. But now, it seemed all that time of safety and calmness had decided to take it's revenge. But for some reason, I didn't mind at all. It was still better than it had been before, at least, for the moment.  
I smiled, still wondering whether Mello would do something like to push me away from him or punch me, then laugh at me and say, 'haha, you actually believed that I wanted to spend time with you? Best joke ever.' I shrugged it off, I shouldn't think such things, Mello wouldn't do that. It was just that I couldn't believe that everything seemed to be okay, all of a sudden. More than okay, I could actually say that when I spent time with Mello, I felt happy. Which was way better than feeling nothing at all.

A smile crossed my lips and as if on cue, Mello turned around to face me, making me bump into him. He looked down at me questioning for a moment, and as usually, I couldn't help but blush. "What?" I asked, uncomfortable with being stared at like that with this expression. "Near, what's wrong with you, you almost never smile, do you know that?"  
Super, right then, he had me blushing even harder. How was one supposed to answer such a question?  
One again, the only thing I could come up with was "I don't know." Why did I always feel like an extreme idiot when Mello was around? I acted like I wasn't even myself, but was this really a bad thing? Probably not. And still, I couldn't hide the sheepish smirk I had on my lips. Was this what it felt like to be happy? Maybe.

Ice blue eyes stared at me and for a moment, I thought he was going to kiss me. He didn't. Was I really beginning to be disappointed as soon as Mello didn't kiss me? However, a moment later he grabbed my hand, dragging me along with him, saying nothing but, "Come on now." Sometimes I really wished I was able to understand Mello, all these changes in his mood, all these things he said and did. To me, Mello was the most interesting thing in the whole world, I then decided. Maybe he had even been before we had gotten to spend more time together. Which was only a few days ago. And there I was, after a few days, my whole newfound happiness already depending on Mello.

'Is that a good thing?', I wondered as Mello dragged me to his room. Why his room? I didn't know. Standing in front of the door, he suddenly stopped, his other hand suddenly grabbing my head and without any kind of warning, he smashed our lips together, placing a soft, sensual kiss on them, pressing my back against the door. I didn't mind the pain at all. He tasted more like chocolate than he ever had before, this was the first thing I could think of, for some strange reason, as he attacked my mouth with his own. You would think that you get used to this, if you do it more often, but nope, wrong. Each time he did this, it took my breath away, reducing me to nothing but a breathless mess beneath him. A happy mess, that is. I feel my heart beating faster and my brain getting weaker, the only thing I can think about being that I am kissing Mello, that I am tasting him and that his lips are incredibly soft. I felt like fainting, but gladly I didn't. For I enjoyed kissing Mello way too much to just faint. I opened my mouth wider and he gladly accepted it, deepening the kiss even more. He then let go of my hand, opening the door behind me, almost making me fall backwards when doing so, but holding me again before letting me fall down. And still, my heart was beating like crazy.

Still clinging onto him, we stumbled a few feet inside the room, kissing. I would have probably laughed if I weren't busy pressing my lips onto Mello's and embracing him.

"What the fuck?" suddenly a voice from behind rose. I lazily let go of Mello's lips, turning around but already knowing who exactly was there. Matt sat on his bed, DS in his hands, but his shocked and irritated gaze was directed towards us. A short moment of silence followed, me staring from Matt to Mello, eyes probably as wide as plates. Mello looked as if he had a hard time not laughing and Matt looked, well, irritated. I didn't know another way to describe it. Suddenly, he broke out in laughter, breaking the silence. It almost looked as if he was crying, he was laughing so hard. I didn't know how to react and looked at Mello, trying to understand everything. I didn't even feel embarrassed anymore, I was just a bit confused.

"Sorry, I just.. I'd better leave you two alone," Matt explained, voice still unsteady because of the laughing. He got up, walked towards the door and exited, as if nothing had happened, not even looking at us again. Okay, strange reaction. The whole thing had kind of shocked me, leaving me standing there, mouth slightly open. He had just seen us make out, laughed and then left. Had Mello told Matt? I would've expected another reaction somehow. However, I didn't have a lot of time to actually think about that, because a second later, Mello had his lips pressed onto mine again, and all of a sudden, we were laying on the bed. Oh yeah, he had pushed me here, I forgot. I tried to keep up with him, kissing him back eagerly, but again noticing how I just couldn't. Mello just had so much energy and force, and I loved it, laying there and having him kiss me and touch me, I was succumbing to his every move and I didn't even mind. In fact, it was the best thing ever.

Moving his mouth away from my mouth, he whispered, "Just tell me if you want to stop, okay?"

I was baffled. Why would I want him to stop anything? Never. I saw the worry in his eyes and suddenly, I understood. The scars, the panic attack last time. I hadn't even though of that until now. I cursed myself for having done that. I smiled. "No, it's okay, I mean, I don't mind." I blushed again. I really was a strange person. Why did I think of everything as embarrassing? I didn't know, but I didn't know how to stop this blushing, as well. Mello smiled back at me, then moving his mouth towards my throat, kissing it softly and making a moan escape my lips and my heartbeat reach the pace where you think it would jump out of your chest. First, it felt like tickling on my throat, but after a short time, the touch became rougher, and to my surprise, I felt myself enjoying his rough touches even more than the previous gentle ones. I moaned and felt myself shiver, my whole body feeling like melting ice cream at the moment. I kept my eyes tightly shut, moaning Mello's name rather loudly. Still kind of in shock about the way I was acting, I bit my lips, hoping for it to prevent me from making any other inappropriate sounds. Sadly, it didn't help a lot as Mello decided to bite my skin and suck on it. I felt as if I would explode any moment soon, the feeling of Mello touching me like this was just too good to be true. By now, my moans weren't even separable from my breathing anymore.

After a few more kisses and bites, when he seemed to be satisfied with the mark now probably forming there, I felt his hands touching my torso lightly, the skin he touched tickling and goosebumps raising on parts of my body where I didn't even know I had them. When had he even opened my shirt?! My mind refused to remember and I didn't care. Slowly, he worked his way downwards my body with his mouth, biting into the flesh next to my collarbone and earning a whining sound from me. He looked up, the usual smirk on his lips. Right now, I didn't care whether he thought I was a masochist or something like that, though. My mind was far too clouded to process it to be something embarrassing, anyways. I then felt him pulling on my shirt, taking it off and leaving me there, upper part of my body totally exposed, he gave a soft kiss to the scars on my arms, looking at me sternly as if he wanted to say 'don't you dare ever doing that again.' I just hoped he didn't think I was ugly because of the scars. Or maybe he thought I was fat? Suddenly, I couldn't help but feel the strong need to have him take off his vest, as well. Deciding it was the best thing I could do right now, I sat up a little, earning a confused stare from him, before I pressed a deep, wet kiss onto his mouth, but actually concentrating on trying to open his tight leather vest. Sadly, I failed, not knowing how to exactly open that damn thing. I just wanted it to be away. Frustrated, I pulled away, looking right into Mello's eyes. He must have noticed I had tried to open it. Why didn't he do it himself? Did he actually want me to speak it out? He smirked and I knew, he wanted me to ask him.

"Mello, please," I was shocked at how impatient and breathless I sounded. But to be honest, I was more than impatient to see his skin, or maybe even touch it. What exactly were we about to do?

He chuckled, "What please?" I was tempted to actually smack him. I looked at him, pleading. "Take off your clothes." I blushed. I had said clothes. Hopefully, he understood what I had been talking about. I wanted to say vest, should I correct myself? I blushed even more. Had I just sounded idiotic? Probably. He grinned at me, " Well, if you say so." With that, he sat up properly, opening his leather vest as if in slow motion, knowing just how much it killed me to wait at that exact moment. I couldn't move my eyes away from him, though, too absorbed in the sight. I had never seen somebody as beautiful as Mello. My eyes were wide and I couldn't even move, my heart skipping a few beats and my brain not even thinking in proper sentences anymore, as he let the cloth fall down, leaving his exposed torso. I opened my mouth and closed again, not knowing what I could say that would fit in the situation right now. Mello was absolutely beautiful. More than that, he was simply breathtaking. Even though Mello always seemed to look really thin, he was quite muscular under his tight clothes. I felt a shiver run down my spine and felt my underwear getting quite tight.

Sitting there, not able to move or take my eyes off him, or think, I almost got a heart attack as a sudden weight was placed on me again, making me shut my eyes. I opened them again to find Mello kneeling on top of me. Without a shirt. Close. I felt like dying right then and there, not only my body but also my mind reduced to a total mess. And within a second, his mouth had found its way back to my lips, kissing me eagerly, biting my already bruised lip, and then wandering lower, licking and softly biting my nipples and making me moan even louder. Right when I thought that it couldn't get any better, I felt him brushing against my groin, a loud whining escaping my lips and my mind going blank for a short moment. I opened my eyes again to see him look up at me, blue eyes filled with lust. I wasn't entirely sure what he were about to do now, but the question answered itself a few seconds later, as his hands grabbed my pants and pulled them down, earning a loud moan from me again as the soft fabric brushed against my erection. I shut my eyes tightly, to open them a few seconds later after nothing had happened.

Mello looked at me, his gaze piercing, almost devilish. I closed my eyes again and bit my lip, too embarrassed because of everything. "Near, look at me," he demanded, and I obeyed and slowly opened my eyes again, not knowing what exactly he was about to do.

I felt my eyes getting wide in shock at what I saw. His mouth was moving towards my dick, his eyes never leaving mine. Just when I thought I couldn't take it anymore and would faint right now, as his hot breath hit the sensitive skin, he just opened his mouth and took the swollen flesh into his mouth, eyes still glued to mine. And for a few seconds, I had trouble breathing. The feeling of him softly licking the skin drove me crazy and I tightly held onto the sheets of the bed, unable to do anything but lay there and succumb to the feeling of his touches. I was completely helpless, I couldn't have fought it even if I had wanted to.

As I started breathing again, it wasn't clear what exactly was a breath and what was a moan. I had never heard myself making such noises and was still surprised myself, that I was even able to make these sounds. The louder my moaning got, the more he picked up speed, it seemed, Mello's head moving slightly as he put even more of my cock in his mouth, kissing and licking the flesh so sensualy that I wasn't sure how much longer I would be able to endure it. I shut my eyes again, the pleasure simply too much for me, until I realised it had been a mistake. Mello bit my cock, not hard, but hard enough for me to instantly open my eyes again. Before I could even think of protesting, though, he suddenly let go of my cock, making me whine because of the sudden loss of warmth. He moved his fingers towards my face, looking at me, amused and commanded, "Suck." I stared at him in disbelief. Why should I do that? "Mello, whaa..?" Before I could even ask, he had put his fingers into my mouth, awaiting for me to suck on them. Not wanting to protest, I simply did as I was told, licking his fingers shyly, still not knowing what this was about now.

As he put them out again, I watched, curious as he smirked at me, and then moved downwards again, stopping at my cock to lick it once more, making a sharp breath escape me, he suddenly moved a finger closer to my hole, and without warning, he had shoved it inside of me, my eyes widening in shock. "Mello, what the hell are you doing?" I had just cursed. I never did that. However, right now there were more important things to think about. Why did Mello do that? Why did he smirk at me now?

Without answering my question, he added a second finger, making me shiver as a sudden pain shot through my body. I never actually minded pain, but right now, this was different. I felt my vision go blurry and tears running down my face slowly. Suddenly, Mello's expression changed. He looked at me, worried almost guilty. "Near, it's okay. It will stop hurting soon." I had never heard his voice so soft, I realised. If he said it was okay, then it was, I decided and nodded. After a short time, when my breathing had gotten back to normal and the tears stopped escaping my eyes, I smiled weakly, signaling for him to go on with whatever he was doing. All of a sudden, he moved his fingers, slowly thrusting into me. It felt weird. Not the bad kind of weird, just strange.

Mello then palmed my erection with his free hand, and began slowly stroking up and downwards, making my whimpers become louder moans again and I almost forgot about his finger thrusting into me until suddenly, he hit a certain spot that made my whole body tense and then, fall limp. I had to close my eyes due to the immense pleasure that I couldn't quite handle and another sound, louder and longer than all the previous ones, left my lips. "Mello, please", I begged for him to do the same thing again, as if my life depended on it.

"What please?", he teased me again, but I didn't care anymore, I didn't mind speaking it out anymore, at all. "Please do that again, harder", I half spoke, half moaned. My answer seemed to satisfy him, as one second later, he moved his fingers again, hitting the exact same spot that made me forget everything, making my body go limp and my head shut up. This must be what dying feels like, I thought, for some strange reason. My sounds got louder and louder, as Mello increased his speed, stroking my erection faster and thrusting his fingers into me even harder, until I wasn't able to think about anything anymore, only laying there and whining from the immense pleasure I felt.

As he, again, moved his head down, to put my painfully hard cock in his mouth, and sucked on it, he hit the same spot a few times again, and suddenly, I felt myself cumming right into Mello's mouth, holding onto anything that I found, it being my shirt and one of the bed sheets. I moaned his name again, my voice growing quieter as I felt myself relaxing totally, everything disappearing, the only thing that was in my mind, was the way, Mello had looked at me the entire time. I smiled, lazily, as I opened my eyes again, seeing Mello approaching me, pressing a soft kiss onto my lips. I had the sudden urge to embrace him, and grabbed him, closing the space between us. He chuckled.

"Near, if you don't mind, I got somewhat of a problem I have to attend to." I couldn't help but find his face unbelievably sexy as he said that. I grinned back. I blushed in a dark red, getting an idea.

"Can I do that for you?"


	13. Feeling

**Hey. Yep, finally an update. Sorry that I've kept y'all waiting that long, I don't know. I kind of had a writer's block for this story. But I'll try to write more often so you don't have to wait that long. (: **

**Thanks to all of you lovely readers who follow, favorite and review. **

goodfences; Glad you liked it, I really thought it wasn't that good, but thanks. (:

Lizi rinz; Thanks for the long review, I'm really happy you like it that much. But no, they're not that young, they're like 15 and 17, I guess. Or something like that. ^^ And yeah, I'll try to keep it a little romantic, they're just so cute together. :3

* * *

**Chapter 13: Feeling**

_Near's POV:_

"Uhm Near, are you sure that you want to do that?"

His capturing eyes pierced mine and maybe I was still a bit light-headed after all that had happened today, but for some reason, I couldn't force the silly smile on my face to disappear. I nodded slightly but eagerly, not breaking the eye contact. "Yes, I am."

Actually, I wasn't that sure, but I didn't let him know about my insecurity. I had never done anything even close to that before, I didn't even remember having hugged someone before him, actually. But I wouldn't back down now, I should be able to do at least this much for him, shouldn't I? I just hoped I was able to. Mello smiled at me, softly pulling me into another kiss, our tongues danced in a steady rhythm and I soon forgot about my fears of not being good enough for him. In that exact moment, as arrogant as it sounds, it felt like he truly thought so, like I wasn't just some kind of a game to play for him. I not so shyly moved my hands over his naked torso, loving the feeling of his well-trained and yet, slender body against mine.

Never before had I imagined that touching someone, or as I earlier had learned, being touched by someone, could feel that good. I wouldn't have expected to ever make such an experience, anyways, so right now, I was just simply happy. Happy to be here with Mello, happy to touch him, happy to see him like this. Although, what still kind of surprised me was how well he seemed to behave all of a sudden, not that we really behaved, but he hadn't freaked out or anything like that lately. In some way, it felt good to be with him like this, although I couldn't say that I hate his other site, in fact, it was quite the opposite of hate. It seemed no matter what he does, I just can't seem to hate it. Or him.

I slightly bit his lip, making him gasp and break the kiss to look down at me in surprise. I chuckled before pushing him onto the mattress by throwing myself onto him. I knew that he could have stopped me if he had wanted to, but he didn't, which I took as a sign to continue with my actions. I pressed my lips onto his neck, gently kissing him, not daring to leave a mark like he probably had, earlier. I moved on, kissing a line along his body, enjoying every little reaction of his that I noticed. At some point, I could hear him breathing a bit harder than usual, looking up I could see his eyes barely open and the further I moved down with my kisses, the more I could feel his pulse when touching him. Even if this might not be the the right thing to do, I enjoyed it.

As soon my head had reached the hem of his tight leather pants, though, I shortly looked up, not entirely sure what to do. 'I can do this, I will not be a coward now,' I told myself over and over again. Right when I thought Mello was about to ask me if I was sure about this, again, I just hurried to open the pants, not wanting to discuss it any further. We could discuss things later, if we would need to.

My eyes opened wide, as I bluntly stared at the size of his dick. How was that supposed to fit into my mouth? I felt my heart beating faster and my thoughts getting a bit dizzy. Was this fear? Excitement? Arousal? Whatever, I was going to do this. Now. Without any further hesitation, I leaned forward, moving my mouth closer to the stiff piece of flesh. I softly licked the tip, already tasting a mix of salty, bitter and something I couldn't quite place. Feeling Mello twitch a little, was all the confirmation I needed to get a little more brave and place a few soft kisses on the heated flesh, before putting him into my mouth, at least partially. I slowly moved my head up and down, trying to be careful with my teeth, and trying to lick his cock while doing so. I really didn't have much of an idea what exactly I was doing, but considering his reactions, Mello seemed to enjoy it. Getting used to the feeling, I experimented some more, varying the pace and the motions, noticing just what he seemed to enjoy more and what he didn't. Most of the time, I held my eyes closed, but when opening them shortly, I felt a shiver run down my spine.

Maybe I was inexperienced and this was the first time I was doing something like this and I still was a bit scared of doing something wrong, but what I saw was so damn worth it. Seeing Mello's face, the most handsome face ever, look like this, it was the most beautiful thing in the world and I couldn't help but pity anyone who could never in his or her life see this. And at the same time, I hoped that nobody ever would. I wanted him to be mine, not anyone else's. The thought only caused me to be even more determined on pleasing him as best as I could. I moved one of my hands towards his dick, pumping it, while continuing to suck on the upper part, in a rather fast pace. Hearing a low growl leaving his lips, I knew that he seemed to like what I did. I heard his breathing getting faster and faster, and increased the pace along with it, until he suddenly half spoke and half moaned, "Near I'm.." and before he could finish the sentence, came.

I wasn't so sure whether to swallow it or not, but decided that everything else would be too complicated and would probably destroy the mood, so I just shut my eyes tightly and swallowed the salty liquid, before releasing the softening cock with a quiet 'plop'. Just a second later, my arms gave in, shaky from supporting my weight. I crawled up to kiss Mello lightly, huddling up to him. I think, I was happy. Kind of misbehaving, maybe. But happy. Mello chuckled, "Near, that was fucking hot. You've done this before, haven't you?" His voice sounded so sexy, that it distracted me for a moment, before I understood what he had just said, looked down and blushed like crazy, too embarrased to even answer. He knew I hadn't, I was sure of that.

I wondered. I assumed this was one of the moments I would never forget, wasn't it? I smiled to myself, closing my eyes and playing with one of his silky blond streaks, feeling his even breathing as his chest rose and fell.

* * *

After a few hours of laying there and just enjoying to be so close to Mello, not really caring about anything else, I felt a sudden movement next to me. I opened my eyes slowly, waking up from my dreamless half sleep, still kind of dizzy. "Near, I'm hungry, let's go eat something," Mello didn't sound tired at all. I had assumed that he had been sleeping the whole time we had been laying there, but now I wasn't so sure anymore. However, I just looked him in the eyes, a silly smile on my lips again, and nodded.

Mello stood up, the sudden loss of warmth making me shiver a bit. He pulled me out of the bed suddenly, me crushing into him roughly, almost causing him to fall. I laughed a bit as he almost fell down, apologizing with a short, "Sorry". He smiled at me, one of those smiles that made my heart beat faster and my cheeks take on a dark shade of red. I looked down, blushing even more, then.

"Mello, you really should take on some clothes if you want to go eat something, you know?" I chuckled, imagining him going down there without clothes. I could imagine him doing something like that, not caring about the other's gazes at all. But no. He really shouldn't do that. Not only that it isn't allowed to run around naked, also I didn't want anyone else to see him like this, even though I knew that it probably wasn't even close to reality at all, I still considered Mello mine that very moment. Only mine.

An amused look was the answer, confusing me quite a bit. Mello looked like an animal watching it's prey. "What?" I asked insecurely.

"You don't wear clothes either, you know that, don't you?" It took me a moment to register what he had just said, until I blushed even more than I had before, turning around and hurrying over to my closet to pick up some clothes. I shivered as I suddenly heard his voice whispering into my ear. When had he come that close?! "You know, you really shouldn't run around naked. Some people might think of bad things they could do with you, then." I could feel his perverted smirk against my ear. I turned around, placing a kiss on his cheek. "Luckily you're not that kind of a person." He laughed. Then I turned to face my closet again and decided to put on my usual clothes, white pajama pants and a white shirt, while Mello put on his own leather clothes that he had thrown away rather carelessly. I wore the same as usually. I didn't even own a lot of other clothes. I always just wore white.

Once I had put on my usual outfit, I looked over to my bed, seeing Mello putting on his tight leather pants. They surely did look great on him, but I wondered if it was worth it, seeing how long it took him to put them on properly. Probably, it was. I always wore loose pants, putting them on was no effort at all. Maybe in some ways, we really were the opposite of each other. When the both of us were finally fully dressed and Mello had combed through his hair a few times in order to make it look smoother again, we left his room.

Walking next to him, I thought about how he was going to behave once we were around the others. Would he want to act as if nothing had happened? He surely wouldn't walk around telling everybody just what we had done a few hours ago, would he? I felt my cheeks heating up again. Hopefully not.  
Nevertheless, I had another important question I wanted to ask him, but at the moment, I was too shy to speak up, so I just kept on walking along the almost empty corridor quietly, until Mello broke the silence between us, asking, "How are you Near?", totally unexpected and out of context. I blinked, confused about what this was supposed to mean.

"Why do you ask?" I asked, instead of just answering him. I had never been the type of person to talk more than necessary, but lately that seemed to change, which probably was a good thing. Or Mello maybe was just more interesting than other people, that might as well be the reason.

"No reason. I just wanted to know if you're okay," he answered. I smiled at him. Probably he was still thinking about the thing with the cutting, I assumed. Probably he really did care. It was not that I didn't want to believe him, but I hadn't really had close contact to anyone the past years, so trusting someone like that was kind of hard for me. But that would get better. I hoped that it eventually would.

"Yes, I am," I answer and gave a, what I hoped to look reassuring, smile. He grabbed my arm, making me face him and looked into my eyes for a few second, making my heart beat like wild. I tried not to look insecure, but I always was, at least a bit, when he was this close. I just hoped that he didn't think it was because I was lying or something. I really was okay when he was there, it wasn't a lie. I tried to kiss him, but he didn't lean down, so I was too short to. I complained, "Hey!" and he just chuckled before pushing me against the wall with force and kissing me almost aggressively. Where did Mello always get that much energy? No matter how hard I would try, he would always be the one leading the kisses. I was okay with that, it just simply amazed me.

After some time, he pulled away, letting me breathe in the much needed oxygen again. But no matter how much I breathed, this light headed, calm feeling didn't seem to go away. I didn't know that feeling. It was new and kind of scary, but I started to feel more and more as if everything was okay. I just hoped that nothing would happen that would bring me back down to earth. I was happy the way it was.

We just looked at each other a few times while walking along the corridor, nothing really needed to be said. When we entered the room, he let go of my hand, which disappointed me a little, but I understood it and I really wouldn't complain now. For some reason it seemed some people had noticed the two of us entering together, though. Some of the kids stared at us, some didn't. I didn't really know what to make out of it. Did anyone know anything? Maybe. Maybe not. I tried to stay calm, everything was okay, Mello was next to me, we had done nothing wrong. What was I worrying about, anyways?

We walked over to the other side of the room, taking something to eat. Mello decided for chicken with french fries, while I just put some mixed salad on my plate. I really wasn't hungry. Taking a look at my plate, Mello glared at me as if he wanted to tell me to eat something else, but I had walked away before he could say anything, sitting down at one of the empty tables. He followed, sitting down across from me. I quietly began eating some of my salad, after arranging the different vegetables to be separated. I tended to do that, separating the food before eating. It was a bad habit of mine.

"Aren't you hungry, Near? You only took a bit of that salad and we've been outside all day," Mello looked up from his plate, blue eyes glowing at me. I almost got a little nervous, he seemed to take this really seriously.

"I'm just simply not hungry. I don't need so much food."

My usual answer when somebody asks. Not that I often get asked, but if somebody does, this is what I say. And it's true. I don't need more.

"Oh c'mon, seriously. You gotta be at least a little hungry."

"Nope." Useless conversation, you can't convince someone that they're hungry. At least, I didn't think so.

For a second or two, Mello looked at me with his usual 'I'm going to freak out' expression, but he didn't freak out. He simply accepted it, which shocked me.

I took another bite, eating a slice of tomato and, of course, staining my clothes when the half of it fell down. This was one of the many reasons why I disliked eating.

I looked over at Mello, who had been watching me the whole time, with a smirk on his lips. I knew he was going to say something like that, but I blushed, nonetheless. "Seems you have to take off your clothes later," Mello explained, sounding way too innocent. I suppressed a smile myself until I noticed somebody a few feet away from our desk coming closer. My smile immediately vanished. It was Roger.

How much had he heard? Why hadn't I noticed him being there?

Too late to wonder, he already reached our desk, staring at the two of us as if he knew something was up. And he probably did, he was the one who usually punished Mello for hurting me, but now, we were sitting here in peace and laughing.

"Oh, what's up with you two? No attempt upon Near's life today, Mello?" He asked. While I myself was kind of over challenged with the situation, Mello stayed calm and forced a smile on his face. The smile kind of said 'Go to hell, I'll kill you', but it was a smile, nonetheless.

"No, we're just peacefully spending some time together, Roger," Mello faked innocence. For some reason, even though he had the face of an angel in my opinion, innocence wasn't really a thing that fitted him so perfectly. He really wasn't so innocent.

Roger raised a brow, confused and clearly doubting it. "Well, if that's true..?!" he turned around, eyeing me questioningly and then continued, "..I'm happy that you finally get along with each other." If only he knew just how _great_ we got along with each other.

I smirked.

I had never known why, but Roger had always took special care of me, looking after me all the time. Maybe it was because I was number 1 in school, maybe because I didn't talk a lot and was different than the others. Whatever it was, I could see that he had relaxed a bit when Mello had said that, but a bit of doubt was still visible on his face. I shrugged it off. We really didn't do anything bad and we got along with each other better now. So everything was alright. Roger left us alone again. I couldn't help but laugh when he had left and so did Mello.

After eating at least some of my salad, I put my plate away and waited for Mello to do the same.

* * *

_Matt's POV:  
_

I was about to freak out. Not only that I had to get out of our room because Near and Mello wanted to kiss, fuck, play some kind of sadomasochism games or whatever they were up to, no. Not only that one of my best friends had found a new thing to play with for a while, worse. My gameboy, the only one who always cheered me up, the one I trusted, had been taken away from me.

Why? As a punishment for smoking inside the building. I didn't understand what that had to do with anything? Why didn't they just steal away my cigarettes, wouldn't that be more logical? You really don't need to be a genius to notice the flaws, adults usually seemed to have. They never really thought anything through properly. Usually I didn't mind these things. I just watched and sometimes laughed about people's behavior. Today was different, though.

Usually I had my games. They calmed me down, they helped me kind of exit this world whenever I was angry, sad, annoyed, disappointed, nervous, whatever. But no. Bastard just took them away from me. Indeed, being separated from my technic was one of the few things that could anger me.

And now, I'd get them back, that much was sure.

Making my way over to the office, passing a few other kids, I thought about the discussion that was to come. But I had my arguments. So it would be okay.

When I arrived at the door, though, I stopped for a moment, hearing people discuss inside. Or rather, one person. Probably Roger was talking to someone over the phone. I wondered if I should just open the door and make a scene or wait.

I waited, mainly because what I heard caught my attention.

"Of course, but we're not talking about an ordinary kid here.."

Silence.

"I'm not so sure, L. Near has never failed a single test, this has me really worried. Also it seems he spends more time with Mello than before, there might be a connection."

A brief pause.

"I don't know, but I'll have to keep an eye on them.. I think I will talk to the both of them, I can't help but feel as if Mello has something to do with this."

L. He's talking to L about Near. And about nothing positive; seems our little genius here had other things on his mind than to study. Not that I cared, anyways, but it was rather funny how the especially Mello and Near, who were known as the cleverest kids here, were unable to hide their relationship, if one could call it that, for longer than a few days. And they would be pretty fucked if Roger found out about it, probably.

"Yes, I'll call you again soon,then." With that, their call ended and after a few seconds of waiting, I entered the room. Roger looked up from some documents he was reading.

"Matt, what do you want?"

"My gameboy and my games," I answered dead seriously. He nodded.

"You can have them back if I you understand that you can't just smoke inside the building, do you?"

What an idiotic question to ask. I nodded, of course. "Yes."

With that, he gave me my gameboy with all the games back and I left as fast as I could. Finally. However, I wondered if I should tell the other two about Roger's suspicions or not. Maybe if Roger would find out, they'd be separated. Then, I wouldn't have to worry about sharing my best friend with Near. Maybe I was an egoist in that way. I just wasn't into that sentimental, complicated crap. Mello's infatuation with Near had always been obvious to me, I just really hadn't expected that albino to feel the same. Whatever.

I'd have to think this through, maybe I'd better tell them before they'd get into trouble.


End file.
